You’ve Fucked Me Up, Maybe For Life, And It’s Why I’m So Mad At You

woman in black shirt standing in grass field
Kamil Szumotalski / Unsplash

You’ve fucked me up. Maybe for life. That’s the only reason I am mad at you.

That now, after years together and a year apart, you are still everywhere. I can’t go on a damn date without you being around. I can’t even walk across the street, have a cup of coffee, or take a shower alone. You are everywhere. You still are.

Flashbacks, memories, a hidden T-shirt that still smells like you. A laughter, a gesture, a touch.

You’ve left me. You’ve abused me. You’ve killed me. Just leave me already.

You’ve fucked me up. Maybe for life. That’s the only reason I am mad at you.

Time heals nothing. Patience improves nothing.

I wish you never to love anyone this much. Ever.

Because once it’s done, you are done.

No amount of abuse, humiliation and hours spent with crying will be enough to say: I am okay, I’ve moved on.

The best you can do is to pretend.

Pretend that you are strong. Pretend that it does not hurt anymore. Pretend that it is all for the best.

I want to hate you. But I can’t.

So I try feeling nothing then. But I can’t.

You’ve fucked me up. Maybe for life. That’s the only reason I am mad at you.

I don’t know what to do. I see you everywhere. I feel you all the time. I dream with you every night. Every fucking night.

Six years together. One year apart. For how long will it hurt this much? For how long will you still be around as a ghost who forgot to love me back?

Your words echo in me. Each time just another stabbing. You didn’t care. I begged you to stop.

Every morning, for a year, I hoped…I just hoped to wake up you still loving me like you used to love. Instead, each morning, each fucking morning, you sent me something trash.

Self-worth? What is that?

I was lying on the ground, and you still stepped on me.

I don’t deserve you.

They say that. Not me.

I remember how it was when you were still touching me and wanted me. I remember how proud I was just to stand beside you and to show to the world that you are mine.

And now? What’s now? What the fuck am I supposed to do?

You’ve fucked me up. Maybe for life. That’s the only reason I am mad at you. TC mark

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