I feel very…nothingy. I feel empty, like I’m present physically but my mind is somewhere else and I’m sort of hazing through life.
I’m so tired, I feel like I’ve been at a party and it’s gone on for too long and I’m drunk and all I want to do is go home.
I can sleep, I can eat, I can talk, and I can breathe, so I should be fine. Objectively, I am fine, but I’m not. It’s just one of those things and I honestly think I’m going mad.
Yesterday after I came home from school, I just felt far too tired and I thought it was the usual introvert thing you feel after socializing for too long. Except, this time being alone didn’t help me regain energy. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, so I just kept thinking. I have honestly never hated myself so much throughout my entire existence. Then I went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. It was like I was looking at me, but I wasn’t me. I whispered, “I’m not okay” to myself and that is when the tears started coming and they wouldn’t stop. I kept thinking that I didn’t want to be here anymore.
I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to exist anymore.
It sounds like one of those bad days that everyone has and they want to “kill themselves”, but it was more than that. I kept gasping and repeating, “Let me die. Just let me die”. I just don’t see the point in anything in anymore. I don’t want to try anymore. Everything that I aspired to do in my life, all my goals and all the things I want to experience just seemed meaningless. I didn’t and still don’t feel real, like there’s nothing inside me. I’m so tired and I honestly just want to die.
It’s not that I don’t feel like there’s nothing worth staying alive for. It’s just that, at this point the positives of being dead outweigh the positives of being alive. Yesterday I was so sure of wanting to die. I called Priya and the second she picked up I started crying again. I tried to tell her what I was feeling and how I didn’t want to exist anymore.
Eventually I stopped crying and calmed down and that was the scariest part. I was calm, and thinking completely clearly, and I still wanted to kill myself. She needed to go, so she made me promise I wouldn’t do anything. That’s when I saw all the birthday posts and the tears began again. More than that, I was angry. I remember staring at the pictures and not recognizing the girl in them and getting scared. I didn’t want to look at them because the person in them was a stranger to me and it confused and scared me, so I deleted them and almost instantly regretted it after I realized the thoughts that had gone into those posts, but I just couldn’t face them.
People keep asking me what’s wrong and what happened. I don’t know how to explain that nothing has technically happened and the only thing that is wrong- is me. I’m just so, so tired and I don’t want to be here anymore.