To the wife,
The first thing I should probably do is apologize. Apologize for ruining all of your trust in future men. For ruining the relationship between you and him that was all so perfect until I came along. And I will apologize for that. I’m sorry for hurting you, and I mean that.
But that’s not the purpose of this letter. If all I was here to do was write you an apology that really wouldn’t help either one of us move on with our lives. I can say I’m sorry ten times, but it doesn’t mean anything after some time. There comes a point where we realize we don’t just want an apology, we want answers. Answers to questions that you are too scared to ask. I think as part of my apology I owe that to you. And to myself in a way, though that’s something that doesn’t concern you.
He’s the one that came onto me. I didn’t say no, and he just kept going. At first I believed it was just one time. I wasn’t a bad person because it was just once.
Everyone makes mistakes and you would never have to know. I wasn’t a bad person. As things started to get further I just kept thinking that it’s only physical so it’s okay. You weren’t around and it’s human to need sex. He just needed his sex drive filled. That’s all it was in my mind. If you were around, it would have been you. I was just a convenience so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
I should have stopped the second it became more than sex to me. Hell, I should have stopped the second before I kissed him. But then you were around, and he still came to me. He still valued me. And I felt special. I felt like he really cared about me. I felt like we had a connection. Something bigger than I had ever felt in my entire life. My heart took over any rational thought from my head. And I kept going.
I kept going even when I met you. When I put a face to the name that he uttered to you over the phone I kept going. When I could see the face of the person I was hurting all the time I kept going. Because in my head, it was all your fault. You were the one that wasn’t giving him what he needed so he needed someone else. You were the reason he couldn’t post the Facebook pictures with me or celebrate holidays with me.
I can’t apologize for being in love. I believed promises from him that he would give me the world, when he could barely give me a grain of sand. I was drowned in my own infatuation with the fact that someone this amazing could love me. And maybe he did love me. But I promise he also loved you. I don’t say that out of pity. Every fight you had I watched him fight for you and win you back every time. People just don’t do that out of hate.
I’m sorry for blaming you. I’m sorry for making you out to be the bad one in the relationship, the one who wasn’t trying hard enough or giving him what he wants. I’m sorry for creating a person who now has their walls up in new relationships. I can’t go back and undo what I’ve done. But at least for you, I want you to have some closure.