“Men are dogs” – Everyone knows that saying. It’s as popular as that “1/4 people has genital herpes” statistic that club promoters and girls with astrology tattoos on their hips tell themselves before crawling into their low thread count poly-cotton blend sheets at night. Yeah well if men are dogs, then women are cats, which means they’re inherently worse than dogs/men or at the very least just as bad. I’m pretty big on equality, so when I say that women are just as bad as men, I’m not being a dick – I’m being an activist.
Women can talk all the shit they want about men but the minute we decide to stop bending over and taking it, we’re called sexist by some embittered Lena Dunham fan that’s frustrated with men almost as much as she is with her decision to major in Women’s Studies. Thankfully, I’ve been called much worse so I have no problem with taking one for the team.
On any given weekend, it won’t be hard to spot the recently single female at the bar. She’ll be the one surrounded by the girls night out crew, screaming “I’m single” moments before one of her betches is forced to hold her hair back in a handicap stall. How do you spot the recently single guy? You usually don’t…because he’s not at a bar trying to make spectacle of himself. If he is at a bar, chances are he’s the guy alone in the corner muttering “fucking bitch” in between shots of Wild Turkey.
The reason you don’t see movies that are called “She’s just not that into you” or “What Men want” is because most men don’t constantly bitch to their friends about the Tinder match that didn’t call back or seek reassurance at the bottom of a Rocky Road pint while looking at old prom pictures wondering what the fuck happened.
I’m not saying that guys don’t vent; we do. Hell, I myself have had a couple of bonding moments with friends over the various women who nearly mind-fucked me into rehab. I say rehab because when men vent, we do it with discretion – we do it with class – we do it with style. Basically, we do it with a LOT of alcohol. Give me a 3-day bender, a 2-day hangover and a bottle of Aspirin and I’ll be back like Matthew McConaughey.
Sure, I might look like the depressed alcoholic “True Detective” McConaughey during the bender, and I’ll probably feel like the sick and dying Dallas Buyer’s Club McConaughey for a few days after it, but when it’s all said and done, I’ll be as refreshed and care free as the naked bongo playing McConaughey we all know and love.
Unfortunately, most girls I know don’t have good taste in movies or an HBO subscription so like any recipe not on Pinterest, this remedy won’t make sense to them. Instead, they have to talk to every fucking person they can and tell them how much of a dick “so and so” is and how he broke her heart and bla-bla-bla. Do you really think your hair dresser gives a fuck about your shitty boy problems?
All she cares about are your split ends and her daughter’s addiction to music festivals (drugs). Women make boy problems public information that, thanks to social media and fat lonely girlfriends, becomes convoluted into anti-dick propaganda – as if being a piece of shit suddenly came with prerequisites like a dick, balls, and the ability to think rationally. Am I saying some women should shut the fuck up? No, I am not…because that would be construed by a lot of people (roughly 49.56%) as ignorant and/or sexist. What I am saying is that there are better ways of dealing with your boy problems than by perpetuating this “men are the enemy” mentality.
Sadly, while these “Boy Problem Brittany’s” may be the cause of many shitty things – like unflattering Instagram posts and Katherine Heigl’s career – they are not the main cause of my frustration. They are merely a symptom of a much bigger issue: fake feminists. These obnoxious instigators aren’t so much looking for gender equality as they are for an outlet to vent their frustration with men. Like a holding up a “Make your own damn sandwich” sign is really going to numb the pain of not going to prom or make up for years of unpaid child support.
Simply put, these women are the reason feminists are seen more as man-hating shit starters and less as gender equality proponents. Regardless of intent, when women shit on all men, they give these hags ammunition and become part of the problem. So ladies, next time you think about making sweeping generalizations about all men bc you failed to clarify that anal does count as cheating and are now single as a result, give this another read…maybe then, you’ll remember what it feels like to be unfairly categorized and condescendingly discriminated against based on what’s between your legs. Cheers!