You Will Never Be Satisfied With Her

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Flickr/Deana

You have questioned your obsession with this person. You look back on how she entered your life. It was not in some spectacular fashion. You met through friends, spoke only a few sentences to each other that first day. Then more than a year later you spend only a few hectic days together. You had a wonderful time in those few days but your mind was not focused on her. You say goodbye and that is when something changed.

You begin to let your mind wander and it begins to continually return to her. You are not consciously thinking of her but everything you see brings conscious thought. Things continue to trigger these thoughts continually over the next week. You begin to question coincidences; are they real or is it something your mind wants to believe? You feel as though you are being tortured but crave more of it. You begin to share these with close friends as you feel a straight jacket is in your future. People around you notice the way you speak about your time around her. They immediately begin to joke that you love her. A couple weeks pass and you find yourself fighting feelings that you do not want to believe because you truly barely know the girl.

Finally, you cannot withhold these strong feelings and you step out on a branch you know will not hold you; but you do not care. This is something powerful that makes you believe something special could happen…but it already has happened, you are doing the unthinkable. You write this person a letter that releases a flood of emotion that essentially started with a goodbye only a few weeks prior. Like a wave builds arriving to land, it started as a simple ripple. Though she is faithful to another she allows validation of your feelings. This makes you feel amazing and you are relieved to have released that tension inside your body. You think ok, maybe this will help me move on. Not a chance. It builds again as you find yourself building a friendship with her. This complicates thoughts and actions as you learn more about her. She is such a beautiful person that you want her in your life no matter the role; even if it breaks your heart a thousand times over.

She then has her heart broken by him. You know the love she feels for him. You have been jealous of him and though you would like to cheer, all you can do is wish he never broke her heart. Seeing her in pain hurts more than your own heartache. In that moment your mind and heart connect with the same thought…I truly love this girl. Internally you are fighting a battle that you will lose. You sacrifice your heart to console her. You watch over her with an intent that makes you feel a little creepy to make sure she is doing well. You begin to question things happening in your life again. You decide to step further out on that branch. You send flowers, which in your heart wants to be accepted with multiple messages. They are received well, you feel really good about making her smile. You feel the need to let this person know more about how you feel towards them. Again she lets you validate your emotion but she still loves him. You understand this…..you never feel anger; which you question. You repeat to yourself, that this must be some crazy strong love if I am willing to put everything ahead of yourself. You continue to realize you still know little about her everyday life; seriously you have spent less than a full week in her presence. You begin to message her to learn about her and with every piece of information you like her more. You already love her but now you are learning what she likes and enjoys.

It has been three plus months since you said goodbye in person and these feelings are not leaving, they are not weakening. They continue to get stronger. Everything you learn about only strengthens your want for more. Your questions have no direction because you are blind in your hunger for knowledge of her. You devour every piece of her you can. You know you will always want more from her. Friendship may feel needed but more is wanted. At this point you realize, if you ever lucky enough to hold her heart and she truly loves you, it will be the happiest day in your life. There is just one problem, the hunger to learn more of her will still continue after she offers her whole self to you.

You will never be satisfied with her. And you love that. TC mark

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