Pretending To Be Rich

Everyone wants to be a celebrity, especially if you live in New York or Los Angeles.

You may not have millions but if you have an apartment below 96th street in Manhattan, you’re halfway to acting like you’re rich.

First, tell everyone you know about how great it is living in Manhattan and how you “barely use the subway” because you can walk everywhere. This is key – especially when you’re with people who live in Brooklyn and Queens. Bring this up when you’re all out drinking. And speaking of which, make sure you drink at cool, fancy bars. Don’t go to the Standard or the Gansevoort in Meatpacking. If you must go west of 9th Avenue, go to STK or Morimoto or something that’ll add a little bit of credibility.

It’s also important to eat the part. Treat yourself and your loved one or friends to fancy dinners now and then. We’re not talking about Per Se or Le Bernandin, but it is nice if you can go to Momofuku or Striphouse and do an all-you-can-eat sort of thing. Afterwards, smoke Parliaments outside the dining establishment and say “Man, am I full!” followed by some quip about how much you love some trendy band from the 1980s. This shows that you’re cultured.

Now you must also dress the part. Buy designer brands on sale and wear them all the time. Talk about how much you just “love” the new collection from Alexander McQueen. If you’re walking through SoHo, tell your friend you’re with that you just need to “pop into John Varvatos” so you can see if there’s any new suits out. Don’t bother with Fifth Avenue. You can’t afford Bottega Veneta or Emilio Pucci, so just stick with the SoHo stuff. Once in awhile, go to Barneys and buy something from Ermenegildo Zegna just to show you can afford whatever you want but choose to shop conservatively.

After you’ve accomplished the above, go to Crate & Barrel or Room & Board or Milk & Cheese or whatever furniture store has an ampersand in its name and buy a coffee table and some plates. If you’re with anyone and they protest, tell them that you’ll “only be a minute” and that you “need” to buy some new tea light holders. Make sure you’re wearing expensive clothing and sunglasses while you shop and even if you don’t purchase a lot of stuff, ask for a large bag so everyone can see where you’ve been shopping.

Finally, get an iced coffee and keep an iPod on at all times. You need some kind of hip music playing, like Duran Duran or Junior Boys, so you always feel like life’s a fashion show. The coffee must be Starbucks. I repeat: it must be Starbucks. Anything else could risk looking too cheap or too indie. You’re rich. You can afford a $4 iced coffee.

Repeat all of the above until you max your credit cards out or your bank account’s empty. Then lie down on your fold out couch from Ligne Roset and cry. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

image – Laverrue

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