1. You need to stop eating food.
Surely there is no scientific breakthrough which allows you to inhale your body weight in stuffed crust pizza AND rock a dress which resembles a glitter pen.
2. Re-evaluate your career pathway.
In order to try and find true love, your job title must have one of the following words: Events, planner, model, DJ, or all of the aforementioned (aim high ladies).
Seriously, why did my guidance teacher not tell me this while I completed my university application?
3. Make up application – you’re doing it wrong.
Apparently smearing an entire eyeliner pen on one side of your lid is not smoky eye, nor is wearing second-hand makeup from the night before. That’s more of the “No I didn’t wake up in a bush, honestly!” look.
4. Throw your qualifications in the nearest trash can.
You don’t even need your degree. You just need to be able to construct basic sentences like, “I really think we had a connection,” or “I am just looking for true love! That’s why I am here,” and be able to scream in unison with a bunch of other equally constantly premenstrual women.
5. Tinder is actually not THAT horrific after all.
Tinder may be a murky world full of semi-normal men, a number of surprise dick pics and the added luxury of deciding whether or not to talk to somebody based on three psychologically valid criteria; however, in comparison to The Bachelor ,you may be competing with other invisible glitter pen dress wearers, but hey, you won’t be friend-zoned on national television if you stick to good old Tinds.
6. You are not that cray cray.
All of those passive-aggressive drunken texts, sleeping in your ex’s clothes, driving by their house is all pretty normal when you consider you have a bunch of women who would literally claw each other to death for a guy none of them actually know. Definitely not hos before bros…
7. Connections with the opposite sex happen IMMEDIATELY.
When you stare into his eyes, you share so much laughter, you tell him about your broken childhood, and how you’re looking for a real relationship to have a family, he tells you how much he loves his mum and just wants to find a girl to take home to meet her. Oh wait, you’re just the mailman. In the world of The Bachelor, IT CAN HAPPEN!
8. You get confused and think you are watching the Hunger Games halfway through.
Nineteen women all fight to the death for one guy. The games include downing cocktails and starting cat fights, trying to desperately get some alone time with said guy, and generally making a complete moron of yourself for the world to view. After that, they hopefully become some sort of celebrity.
9. You start to think your ex wasn’t all that bad.
Yeah, he took your laptop to a pawn shop, your mates all hated him, but the thought of experiencing the Rose Ceremony fills you too much with anxiety to start all over again.
10. There must be other ways to meet the love of your life.
I wonder if “Married at first sight!” has an opening?