I Want To Live

Person with long blonde hair buttoning their coat outside
Ashton Bingham / Unsplash

I woke up from a dream where people condemn me from my past mistakes—nothing special; nothing new. I didn’t wake up crying. It was a 3-hour sleep. It has been a while since I had the luxury. There was no nightmare, lucid dreaming, or sleep paralysis. I was grateful.

It was 5 in the morning; I got up as if I was still dreaming. Still, I moved. I ate breakfast, swept and mopped the floor, clean and fix my things, and then spent an hour in the bathroom. I loved the water so much.

Yet, I still felt empty. So, I decided to watch videos on Youtube. I stumbled upon this video where it says that ‘you are not depressed’ and that I should stop obsessing about it. I would probably be offended in some other days, but today, I just didn’t care.

Thinking about it now, it said that depression comes and go. I guess not. It stays—even I don’t want it to. It stays for who knows how long. But, that does not mean I would stop functioning, breathing, living, and dreaming.

I do not want to die. Depression just wants me dead. I want to live, that is why I fight it. It is what all the struggles are for: to live.

There would be days where I would try to be productive and not think about it. I would treat myself right and seize the day. Those were the days where I was strong enough to win against it.

However, there would be days where I just wanted to stay in bed. Days when I didn’t bother to know which day of the week it was because I didn’t want to wake up at all, anyway. Those were the days that I was strong enough—just as much as I was when I was productive. I was strong enough to get by.

We face different demons in all kinds of forms. We deal with them in our own ways. How you have it may be different from how I have mine. But, one thing is for sure, depression does not make us less of a person.

Tonight, I laughed because I felt so happy. I thought, ‘how can I be feeling like this when two nights ago, I did things I shouldn’t do?’ But, it is just the way it is. The cycle goes on.

Yes, it is tiring. These highs and lows, mood changes: days when I want to pull my hair out because my head hurts so bad or every time I punch the wall because my hands are so numb—they are really maddening. But, I go on. And I know every day, I will. At least, I will try to.

Because I do not want to die. I do not want to die miserable.

I want to live. Please self, keep going; TC mark

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