To The Friend I Stopped Talking To

I should apologize, right? For leaving you behind. For not being there when you need someone. For not being as bubbly as I used to be when I’m around. Our deep conversations turned to lame exchange of small talks. Sometimes, a day will passed without us actually having one. I miss you but that’s just it.

You completely became someone so different. You used to be my light. You are this ball of sunshine that makes me look at the bright side of things. Always. Your positive vibes radiate towards me, especially on times when I needed it the most. But I woke up one day with a nimbus cloud hovering above my head. It poured cats and dogs all of a sudden. You keep complaining about all these things that are tough for you. You are not the only one going through a rough road. I want to tell you this but I’m afraid that it will sound like I’m invalidating your pain and struggles. I’m not. I just want you to stay positive. I just want to remind you that there are people out there who have it worse than us. You are not the only one who is being underpaid on the job you don’t even like. You have your family who supports you in everything. Some don’t even have their moms or their dads. Some also live back and forth from one parent to another. It’s like a game ball, changing courts every quarter. You can eat meals anytime of the day. Some are lucky enough to have theirs at least twice. You started to sound ungrateful. It frustrates me every time you just want the day to end so you can go home and sleep. Really. You are not the only one who doesn’t have the odds in your favor. You are not the only one who doesn’t want the situation you’re in. But isn’t that enough reason to strive harder until you get to where your soul really belongs?

Time has passed by and you have become unmotivated. If you really want to do something, you will do it. Regardless of the hindrances, right? You can’t just be lazy. I have known you as someone who always work her ass off for something she wants. What happened? There shouldn’t be any excuses in chasing your dreams. You can’t just wish for something and expect it to be a no-sweat achievement. And lots of times, you’ll shed tears. God, how often do we cry with tearstained pillows? I could only tell you that it will get better, it is still up to you if you’re going to believe it. I won’t always be there when you have nightmares; to shush away the monster in your closets. I have my very own under my bed. We all get through dark days, it is up to us if we will pull the curtain up to see the daylight. It is always a matter of perspective. You can lock yourself in your room and let the Dementors suck all your happiness and will to live or you can step outside and build that pastel-colored life you have always dreamed of.

I know friends are supposed to stay together but sometimes we need to grow apart.

I know we’re supposed to cheer each other up but it’s hard to lift you when you yourself is buried deep down the ground. I tried to shovel away the soil that entomb you but you keep on digging down the hole. You have been into that black abyss, you should not want to go back. So, why? Why are you still heading towards it?

Perhaps, I am the one who’s changed. Maybe I just misunderstood your words. Maybe I just have my own issues that I’m tired of hearing other people’s. I know I’m supposed to always be there to listen to all your sentiments but I’m just as exhausted as you. You are not a burden, though. Never. I have always been thankful for having you. I guess the way we see things just shifted a bit. Once, our minds were in sync. Or so we thought. Maybe we’re like magnets. We are same poles that are destined to repel. I don’t know. I am just as lost as you. Maybe saving myself can be considered as selfishness but please do yourself a favor and save yourself too. I can’t save you from yourself. I can’t change your viewpoints and I’m not planning to. I just hope that one day, we’ll find our way out of this maze. I hope we get to clear our minds as well as our hearts.

And maybe one day, your phone will beep and that will be me.

Maybe one day, when we cross path again, we have become our best versions of ourselves then.

But for now, let’s work on ourselves first. We’ll get there. We’ll meet again.