“Your head is too big for your body.”
Said By:an ex whose comments and constant comparison to me drove me to the point of an eating disorder
What I should have said: Oh really? You think my head looks a little strange against my emaciated body? Does my head look odd atop my malnourished frame that hasn’t been fed a normal meal since the day you pointed to another girl at the beach and told me you wished I was as skinny as her? Forgive me for not being able to actually alter my bone structure, oh ye specimen of physical excellence and symmetry. What you are looking at right now is almost literally a skeleton with skin stretched over it so I’m sorry it’s not getting your engines going. Give me that piece of cake, asshole.
What I actually said Nothing, I just cried for three hours on the floor of a Vegas hotel room.
“Your nipples aren’t as gross as hers.”
Said By: a guy who saw them and compared them to a woman in a painting’s that was staring at us from the wall the whole time.
What I should have said: What?! That’s something we have to worry about now? Seriously — after all the shaving, tucking, straightening, whitening, yanking, and perking — ‘Are my nipples gross?’ is now added to the perpetual list of things to check before I leave the house? And that’s not even something you can just casually ask your girlfriend, as if she’d give you a straight answer when you did get to that low, low point of asking. “Oh, I wasn’t going to say anything, but since you asked, them nips are sub-par.” Isn’t the very presence of nipples enough for you? Don’t get greedy now. And stop comparing me to the weird painting on your wall.
What I actually said: Uh, cool. Thanks?
“Well, what did you think was going to happen? Meanwhile, you won’t give a second glance to a nice guy like me.”
Said By: a guy ‘friend’ who caught me being upset when the big head guy dumped me
What I should have said: YOU ARE NOT A NICE GUY. By virtue of being nice to me with the intention of engaging sexually with me, YOU ARE NOT NICE. You should be nice for the sake of being nice, not because you expect me to gratitude-bang you. At least the other guy was up front about pursuing me, however brief or ill-intentioned his advances were. Man up, stop hiding behind a nice guy façade, and own that you actually want to hook up. This cycle of “guy decided to treat girl nice because he wants to get with her — girl doesn’t magically know he’s interested, assumes friendship is genuine — we feel bad for guy when girl gets with someone else because we forget what his actual intentions where from the start (HOOKING UP)”, needs to stop. It’s played out in movies and real life. Take your fedora and hit the road.
What I actually said: Actually, I said most of that.