It’s subtle. You don’t feel like sending an I love you too text. You’ll get to it later and then realize you haven’t said it in days.
Or when you go grocery shopping, you love standing in front of the British foods and deciding if you want to try Wine Gums or experiment with something else. Usually, he indulges you and discusses the possibilities of this strange mustard or maybe the relish, but today, he gets impatient and says you have to go. He hasn’t been home yet and probably just wants to eat dinner, you assume.
You can break up with a bang, but you almost certainly fall out of love with a whimper.
He’s reading you something he wrote recently and you feel like you’re listening to your 11th grade history teacher drone on about something you already know. You used to hang on every word and then beg for more. You never noticed the way his mouth moved to the side when he was thinking of an edit. It’s repulsive. You convince yourself you’re just on edge from not sleeping very well last night.
It happens again the very next day and you entertain the idea of a marriage to indecision.
Your hair has been clogging his drain for 18 months and he has never once complained, until he starts a fight about it tonight and you storm off to buy Draino and call your mom.
You make plans all weekend that you don’t want to invite him to. It’s been four days since you’ve slept in the same bed and you stretch out in the morning, grateful you have it to yourself instead of missing his arms wrapped around you.
You’re reading a book because you can’t sleep and he’s snoring softly beside you. You used to think that was adorable. You used to love the rhythm. He was so peaceful beside you. Your world was sweet and secure with the background music of the room allowing you to be. Tonight, you give him a shove so he’ll stop.
He says something romantic to you about your future and you feel the vacancy in your smile. He doesn’t notice.
You sit there and listen to him talk about which book he’s going to read next, only thinking about all of things you would give up if words would only stop coming out of his mouth. You would rather sleep on your bed without sheets for a year than hear one more second of the debate between Tom McCarthy or maybe Salinger again.
It’s now that you’re thinking about the reasons your ex broke up with you. You know these thoughts are poison. They are going to slip into your relationship like a sour pink lady and tear it apart. But it’s not your fault.
It’s the plan. That little rip is causing doubt and you’ll pick at it until the tapestry unravels.