An Open Letter To The Boys On Tinder

man breathing in the cold hair
Benjamin Voros

Dear Tinder Boys,

I know we’ve been on and off for awhile. So many times I’ve deleted the app and sworn I’m done with you forever. Then, I remember that I have no idea how to meet people in the real world and we’re back on again. We’ve had some really fun, romantic, borderline-magical times. A few of you even stuck around for a few months. Lately though, you’re making me seriously consider giving up on love and adopting too many cats instead.

We need to talk.

If you have lots of pictures of you with a dog, don’t tell me it’s your parents’ and that I’ll have to date you for 6 months before I get to pet it. That’s false advertising.

Congratulations on being over six feet tall! If that’s the only thing in your profile, it’s not helpful. Being able to reach the top shelf is not a personality trait.

I am way more likely to sleep with you if you can carry a conversation for five minutes without turning into a complete douchebag. I like a fleeting night of passion as much as the next girl, but that doesn’t mean I am a piece of meat that wants to start sexting the moment we match. “Hi, how are you? I bet you like having your hair pulled.” can’t possibly work well for you as a pick up line.

No, I don’t want to be on your Youtube series about Tinder Surfing that’s mostly just footage of girls from the neck down. No, I don’t want to see your penis. No, I am not your ‘sweetie’ or your ‘babe’.

If, despite all odds, we do schedule a date, provide me with an excuse if you decide to flake. I don’t care if it’s the least believable excuse on earth, just cancel like a human being and don’t ghost. I don’t want to shave my legs the night before unless you’re actually going to show up.

If we do end up going on that date, it’d be great if you could pretend like I’m there too. I’m not a piece of cardboard to talk at for an hour and a half, even if you did buy my drink (you probably didn’t). Also, I spent at least an hour getting ready, so a compliment would be nice. Or any kind of flirting at all. I want to be wooed!

I want to date you (or at least have mind blowingly good sex with you). I want this to work out. I just need a little help from you to make it happen.

Sincerely,

Me TC mark

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