Marriage: An Owner’s Manual
Congratulations on your recent purchase of our Marriage WTFDIJD 2011 Deluxe Edition, featuring top-of-the-line components and newly updated applications specially tailored to each user and spouse (some technical knowledge necessary).
Assembly
Included in this kit are approximately 10,000 moving parts, which you may pick and choose to suit your own level of experience and expertise. Our assembly guide, using simple line drawings and no words whatsoever, should make little to no sense no matter how many marriages you have built in the past. Most users take approximately forty to fifty years to finish assembly, and during that time some parts may need replacement, removal or minor/major adjustment. Some users require additional patience to finish assembly; see Attachments for further information. Warning: once parts have been put together, they can be difficult to remove or alter. We recommend extreme caution during moments of frustration during assembly, as many of our products have been irreparably damaged due to high levels of user frustration.
Maintenance
Depending on the model and parts you have chosen, your marriage might need more or less maintenance than others. Most need more than you can possibly imagine. Our sturdy titanium model, lightweight and secure, may feel rigid to some users initially. Leather handles will need regular oiling or they will become stiff and crack. In time, however, they will mold to the user’s hands. We recommend against using the glass tubing and funnels for reasons of fragility, although some users like the delicacy and transparence. Check parts regularly for wear and tear; those least in view often support the largest load and pressure.
Use and Features
In general, most marriages are used as a source and repository for love, support and stability. However, others have found our product to be useful as a career move, stepping stone to greater financial resources or glamour. The features in your WTFDIJD 2011 Deluxe Edition include two children, a hybrid minivan, one vacation per year within the continental United States (see Attachments for foreign travel) and sex. Frequency of this last feature depends largely on user libido, general state of happiness and particular prescription drug use.
Attachments
Many of our users find our diverse set of attachments to be an aid in using our product (or at least in appearing to use it). Pre-dinner cocktails, at unlimited quantities, are our most popular attachment, swiftly followed by extra-marital affairs. As we cannot predict how these attachments will fit with each and every marriage, we cannot take responsibility for their impact on the product itself.
Troubleshooting
If your marriage starts to act strangely, have trouble starting up in the mornings (or at any time of day), or not turn on at all, we suggest you first flip the on/off switch a few times. Half the time a good jolt of energy is all that’s needed. Next, check your parts to make sure all are in working condition; often parts wear thin due to user ignorance or neglect. Some of our attachments might alleviate some issues, although we recommend adjusting what’s already in place before making new additions at such a tenuous moment in the product’s life. If difficulties continue, our technicians are standing by. Service calls are approximately $150 per fifty minute session.
Warranty
Every year we get thousands of requests for a warranty to our product lines. Unfortunately, due to the unique composition of each of our products, we are unable to make any guarantees whatsoever. Once you have opened the box, you are completely on your own.