I overthink everything.
It’s unanswered text messages because I’ve been constructing the message for the last 5 hours. It’s the apology I shouldn’t allow to fall from my lips, but I’d rather take the blame than listen to the self-loathing thoughts. It’s claiming to be a night person since that sounds better than saying I’m up at 1:58 AM because my mind won’t give me a break. It’s the constant fear of loss because I think everything is too good to be true.
Overthinking makes finding happiness so difficult.
I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder, and persistently looking deeper than the surface. I watch for the tiniest changes and wonder why. I notice when you take a little longer to reply, I go back and reread our messages and wonder if it was my fault, or if I said something wrong. I notice when your voice changes, or when you call me at a different time than you usually do.
I think of the most extreme situations.
I do this because when I have a feeling about something, I am usually right. I can sense when different pieces of my life are about to feel a hurricane.
It’s procrastinating on starting assignments because of the continuous thoughts of how it could go wrong. It’s the dread of changing careers because I might not be quick enough to learn something different.
It’s taking forever to make the smallest decision, because of the uncertainty of the outcome.
It’s wondering if my friend is mad at me all because she missed my call.
It’s waking up in the morning and checking to see if you’ve ghosted me, because of the continuous reassurance that I need to hear. It’s always reminding you that you can tell me what’s on your mind because my mind is always drowning itself with voices.
It’s the what ifs, the could haves, and would haves that take over every square inch of my brain, and keep me up all hours of the night. In the darkness, I’m creating and manipulating different scenarios and wondering how different life would be if I just kept that friend, changed my career, stayed in that city, didn’t leave that person, or even took a different way home.
It’s hearing just calm down numerous times a day because my best friend is done hearing about the different ways you could have taken my last response.
It’s always wondering if I said too much, or not enough.
It’s you being utterly flawless and me finding some form of reason to doubt you, because of my own irrational thoughts.
I can’t exactly pinpoint when my mind began overthinking. 90% of the time people don’t understand. They say I am being dramatic, being crazy, or just looking too deep into the situation.
Honestly, I’m okay with people not understanding, because I don’t expect them to. I am not an easy person to be with, to love, or to even be close to.
I know people don’t want to be with someone who over-analyzes every single aspect of life. It’s difficult to even be friends someone who needs constant support, and I know that.
I feel emotionally drained as one person, so I can only imagine how my partner or my friends feel.
It’s constantly hearing thoughts tell me that I could have done something different or how I could have just kept my mouth shut then maybe things would be okay, but truthfully, would they be okay?
Even when life is perfect and I feel on top of the world, I am still waiting for the next thing that could go wrong.
I sometimes wish for just a day that I could have a mind that is at ease, just a day to feel as calm as I look, or just a day to not have to carry this hidden storm.
Maybe it would be easier or maybe it wouldn’t be. Either way, overthinking has allowed me to always give more, to always accept less, and to always love no matter how many times I’ve been torn apart.