“One day, you will realize how some people are not meant to be yours. One day, you will have to move on, and sometimes the most important thing to do in the world is to let go.” –r.m. drake
For months, I played a mental game of tug a war wondering if I saved myself or just gave up on the love of my life.
I couldn’t help but repeat me leaving you in my head over and over again. For a very long time, a big part of me wanted to rewind time and go back to that very last day. What would have happened if I gave you one more chance to talk? Would you even ask me to stay? Honestly, we will never know.
What I do know is that we spent this last year blocking and unblocking each other. The passive aggressive posts, because you knew I checked up on you just as much as you checked up on me. We wanted to portray to our friends and family that we were doing well without each other, so we over posted positive and lively pictures and quotes. Let’s be real though, we were both so harshly broken.
You typed out a message and deleted it numerous times because you couldn’t handle the outcome, just as I did. You stayed up late at night and tossed and turned, because you felt lonely, just as I did. My friends and family would beg to differ and I am sure yours would too, but neither one of our support systems knew us like we knew us.
Can you imagine what life would be like if we didn’t care for our families approval of each other?
I sometimes wonder what you think of me now. I wonder what character I play in your story. If you have kids one day and they ask you if you’ve ever been heartbroken, would my name cross your mind? For me, your name would be in flashing lights.
I truly didn’t think I would ever be able to love again. The love I had for you was something I have never felt before. It was the deepest part of the ocean that I never wanted to reach again, if it wasn’t to reach it for you.
I dealt with all my demons, and I am finally content with the past I so desperately regretted. The very best gift that you have given me was your absence. It taught me so much about myself, and lessons I would have never learned if you didn’t appear in my life.
If you ever came back and I had one last opportunity to talk to you, I’d tell you the raw and honest truth.
I’d tell how painful it was to close that front door that very last time. I’d tell you that you were never really ready, and honestly, neither was I. I don’t believe our hearts were ever in the same place at the same time and if they ever were, it didn’t last very long.
We both ended up where we belong.
You’ll always have a place in my heart. I am not talking about just right now, or until I fall in love again. I am talking about for the rest of my life, until my very last heartbeat. No matter what, I will always carry you in a quiet and special place in my heart.
You were supposed to be the main character in my story. Now, you will always be the most heartbreaking chapter I will ever have to read.
And I am finally okay with that.