“I was always your second choice, yet I stood on the sidelines praying, hoping, and wishing, you’d just choose me.”
I took a deep breath and leaned against the counter at work. I was aimlessly watching as each car drove passed when a familiar bright red car sped by. Instantly, your face appeared in my mind.
I thought back to the first time I met you. I was at work and something caught my eye, and when I looked up there you were. My heart skipped a beat as you carelessly whisked open the door.
I smiled and my face was flared a shade of red, and you just nodded and said, “I told you I’d show up.” Something about you had me completely smitten. Maybe it was the way your crystal blue eyes cut deep in my soul, or the ways you’d hug me and made me feel so small and so safe.
Whatever it was, I couldn’t get enough of it. You made me break all my rules. It was almost as if you could read my mind. The second I’d tell my best friend I wasn’t going to text you, your name would pop right up on my phone.
I was always known to be the insensitive girl when it came to dating and relationships. I could easily bail the second I felt the guy wasn’t treating me the way I deserved, but with you.. it just didn’t matter.
I tried so hard to impress you. I’d send the strategically posed Snapchat selfies in perfect lighting. I’d go out of my way to bring you stuff to your place. When you spoke, I actually listened. Sometimes, I’d even text you first. (Far out of character for me)
You were that kind of guy that I’d preach to my single friends to stay away from.
I never took my own advice.
I’d never allow a guy to call me at midnight, except for you.
I’d never go out of my way for a guy that didn’t even ask me on a date, except for you.
And, I sure as hell would never allow a guy to treat me that way, except for you.
One night I had too much to drink and decided to flip the tables on you. I did what you always did to me, and I called you at midnight. I ended up at your place, and before I could even say hello you pushed me against my car. The feeling of your lips on mine sent electricity shooting down my spine. I would have been perfectly content staying in that very spot forever.
You’d tell me you appreciated me and that I was beautiful. The tragic part of that is I actually believed you when you said it.
Everyone in my world knew all about you. The one guy I couldn’t say no to. I am almost certain that nobody in your world knew about me.
Reality started to set in one night, as I blankly stared at my ceiling.
You were never going to be my person.
You didn’t have the same intentions as I did. You didn’t listen when I spoke and I could probably count on one hand how many times you genuinely asked how my day was going.
You didn’t think about me the way I thought about you, and for some reason I didn’t care.
How could I easily put myself on the back burner for you?
I had guys begging me to go on a date with them, guys that would have given me anything under the sun, yet I still only wanted you.
You went through a tough time and I told your insecurities to stop talking. Not sure if my attempt worked, but hey – I tried.
I just wanted you to pick me first for once.
I knew it had gone to far when you asked me one question that honestly tore me apart inside. You asked if I could come over when you were done with someone else. My heart sank into my stomach. Why wasn’t I ever enough? What did she do to earn that date? Maybe she was stronger than me, maybe she challenged him, and made him work for her.
This marked the very first time I denied you.
Thank you for saying something that finally made me tell you no. I desperately needed that.
For the record, I’m not ignoring you because I hate you. I am ignoring you to simply save myself. I’m saving myself from the false hope that I was so infatuated with.
I am way too full of life to be half loved. I am worth way more than your “maybe one day” or you “no big deal” casual hook up.
If you wake up one day and have a change of heart, please don’t contact me. I pray to be far moved on from you. I hope it will be on to someone who will value me, respect me, and cherish my delicate heart.
I wished so intensely for that to be you, but I refuse to allow myself to wait around for the acknowledgement I deserved the entire time.