“Staring at the ceiling in the dark. Same old empty feeling in your heart, cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast” – Passenger
You shower, brush your teeth, brush your hair, put on his old t-shirt, and climb into bed. You lay on the left side of the bed, leaving the right side completely open. You never know you whisper maybe he’ll change his mind and just show up. Deep down you know he never will, but your heart can’t help but cling to that little hope.
Here we go.
You stare into the darkness when that familiar feeling comes sinking into your stomach. Just go away. It’s that punch in the gut feeling, the kind you can’t escape. Starts in your stomach, your chest hurts, your throat starts to tingle, and your eyes fill up with tears. You close your eyes and all you see is him. You turn over; you grab the back of your head, and pull your knees up as close as possible. Stuck between remembering his embrace and begging to erase it. You want to scream, but you feel like you’re down to your last breath.
Please just leave me alone.
Going to bed each night didn’t mean being wrapped in his arms anymore, it meant being wrapped in the emptiness of your heart; it meant suffocating in the brokenness. It hurts. Everything hurts, closing your eyes hurts, turning over hurts, cuddling in your blanket hurts. You can’t escape it.. The second you open your eyes you reach out, because you’re so desperate to feel that warmth of him as if he’s always been there, as if he never left. You do it over and over and over again.
Breathe, please just breath. Your heart is still beating, my love.
This is the most excruciating pain, and unfortunately it is one that lingers until your heart is ready to mend the pieces back together. With loss, there is no timeline on when you’ll be healed. You have to understand that this could be something that lingers in the back of your mind for a really long time. 10 years from now you could be happily married to someone else and have a day of what if, and that’s perfectly normal!
Time doesn’t heal wounds; time simply teaches you how to cope with them.
So, as you’re lying in the darkness on that very side you lay on every night, with those pretty eyes full of tears I want to tell you that you are not alone. Out there, somewhere, there could be many girls, including myself, lying in that same very spot drowning themselves in tears just as you are, and guess what? There is nothing wrong with it. Stay in tune with your feelings, be aware of the triggers, cry when you want to, and I can assure you that you will find peace when your heart is ready.
Sleep well, beautiful.