Just because it’s summer, people all over the place suddenly decide that going to the pool is a good idea. It is the thing to do, much to my dismay. Well, I don’t want to go to the pool with you and here is why. (Please save your look of surprise for the end—OK, thanks.)
1. Bathing suits.
I mean, really. Bathing suits should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. No, I don’t want to parade around in Spandex underwear that literally lets it all hang out for hours and hours.
I’m sure they are all nice people and everything but I’d rather not hang out in front of people who voluntarily spend their whole summer in a bathing suit. Plus, they get to wear a one-piece without looking dowdy. How is that even possible? Needless to say I am quite jealous and I don’t want to be stewing in jealousy while “having fun.”
Every. Single. Time. Red, itching, peeling hell attached to my person indefinitely. And before you even ask, yes, I do wear sunscreen. A hell of a lot of sunscreen of at least SPF 50 for your information. The fact is that the sun hates me. Either that, or I’m part vampire.
3. What do you even do at the pool?
I mean, seriously. What exactly are you supposed to do in the water? Just stand there, treading water? Um, no thanks. Lay out on the side? That would just be like baiting the monster. Secondly, skin cancer is a real thing even if you don’t get burned. Thirdly, I can do that at home if I so desired. There is no need to leave and go to another place to lie on a chair.
If you go to a public pool there is every child in the whole neighborhood there—so many children, many of them unsupervised for all intents and purposes. Yeah, I’ll pass. If I wanted to walk into full-on chaos I’d go to one of those play sets in the mall.
5. Children’s urine.
Where there are tons of young children in water there will be tons of young children peeing in water. That translates to tons of children’s urine in the water.
6. The snack bar.
Now, just stay with me here—99.99% of that time that is a seriously compelling reason to go somewhere or do something but not when that something is hanging out at the pool. The only thing worse than hanging out in a bathing suit is eating in a bathing suit and, let’s be honest here, we all know that I will be getting a popsicle at the very least. It’s just inevitable. But I will do anything to avoid eating said ice cream with my stomach hanging out.
7. You get too wet or sweaty.
When you leave you are either: A) soaking wet; or B) dry but sweaty because to get dry you have to sit out in the sun before you leave, which defeats the purpose of the whole trip. I supposedly came to cool down but I leave wet, making my car seats wet, or hot and sweaty, just how I started out.
So, no, I really don’t want to go to the pool with you. I will stay in my nice air-conditioned house—clean, dry, and chlorine-free, thank you very much.