I’m endlessly scrolling, going back and forth between my social media sites as my typical evening routine before bed. My phone is blaring one of the thousand or so songs stored in it. I can’t stop thinking of him. I don’t have to say a name, or even any bit of a hint but I can guarantee my life anyone reading this article just thought of their person they just can not let go of no matter how hard they try. I keep scrolling, music keeps blasting and I keep finding every little reminder of him.
“Just stop being friends. It’s that easy!”
“If he hurts you so much why do you still like him?”
“He’s not worth it/”
I feel like the words of my friends haunt me more than the idea of him even does. They speak the truth, it’s totally logical. Maybe I am too good. He does hurt me…a lot. It surely can’t be that hard. But what they don’t realise is that I don’t want to let him go. I can’t REALLY do something if I don’t want to, can I? It doesn’t matter if it’s the easiest, mundane task ever, if i don’t want to do it, I wont.
I have a playlist on my phone with a little smiley emoji and a gun next to it (I know, it’s dramatic) and it’s filled with those hair raising, gut wrenching, tear jerking songs that you love and hate at the same time. I find myself continuously replaying these songs that I just KNOW were written about my life and my “love” situation and it’s in these moments where I realise that I should be growing with anger or disdain towards him as I listen but instead I’m imagining us laying in bed, side by side as we laugh and talk into the early hours of the morning like a Nicholas Sparks and John Green collaborative novel. It’s simple, loving him makes me smile. The idea of us, no matter how far fetched it is, makes me smile. He makes me smile. Why should I get rid of something that makes me smile even if there is bad within it?
Cast your mind to your favourite beach right now. I can definitely appreciate the beauty and the reason why people adore it and dream of retiring with a beachfront property. But I have to ask, is that beach all beauty all the time? During a horrific storm, isn’t the beach one of the last places you would like to be? Destructive waves crashing over even more destructive waves, one after another. That is not my idea of paradise. But when the rain settles, the winds quieten and the water eases, it’s back to my favourite place. Why can’t love be the same way? No matter how many times I may feel hurt or anger, those moments of timeless happiness and love will always win.
Maybe I’m a push over, or a hopeless romantic or just an idiot, but I won’t let go because I don’t want to. Right now, I want to ride the stormy waves as I know my paradise will be coming.