First of all, I want to thank you. Thank you for everything. At first, I did not see it. I had my rose-colored glasses on and I could only see the good in you. But it was the ‘good’ that I created for you. My perception of you was different from the reality of you.
Please, do not get me wrong – you are good; you are great. But you were also broken. At first, I blamed myself. Every day. I would wonder what I did to deserve this. Why I was not good enough, how I could have been better. I kept asking myself where it all went wrong. Where we went wrong. Where I went wrong. How did this unravel so quickly? One day we were a family and the next day I couldn’t even recognize you.
The one thing that I fucking hate the most is the way I lost myself. And I knew I did but I couldn’t help myself. I made excuse after excuse, defending your actions and my feelings. I would tell people that they really did not understand why I stayed with you and how much you really loved me.
I would feel more alone when people would tell me what to do, almost as if I was being cornered and had no way out. I was afraid to leave you, because we had a life together. I was afraid you would start seeing someone else; afraid that you would forget about me.
I was also afraid to stay with you. I was afraid of losing friends and family if I chose to stay with you. Wow. What a feeling that was. I remember constantly saying to myself “What the fuck are you doing, Victoria.” My intuition knew. My gut knew, like it always does. But I pushed those things away.
How could you look at me and not feel the same way that I felt about you? I admired you, I adored you, I loved you unconditionally. There came a point when you could do no wrong. Nothing. Despite everything I went through, I still wanted to stay by your side. I was broken. And I needed you. Or so I thought.
I have felt almost every single emotion about you. Lust. Love. Hurt. Anger. Jealousy. Sorry. Happy. Thankful. Blessed. Infatuation. Sympathy.
And out of all of that, I only have a few emotions left towards you. Forgiveness. I forgive you for everything that happened. This has taken time and work and there are some days that I feel a flood of emotion towards you. It has taken me almost two years to come to this point. I ignored it all, I invited you back in, pushed you away, pulled you close only to hurt you. I had this false feeling that you somehow “owed” me something. You did not.
I felt as though I was in control of this new relationship dynamic that we had. I wasn’t. I cannot even begin to explain how hard it was to ask not to see your son anymore. But I truly hope that you understand why I asked for this. And it is my wish that if he ever asks, you will either show him this letter or tell him the truth. He will remember me – whether or not he says he does.
Slowly, I started recognizing why you came into my life and why everything happened the way that it did. I am so thankful for every emotion that I felt with you. From the day we met until even now.
You probably don’t realize, and I know you did not intentionally do it, but you taught me so much about myself and shaped me into the person that I am today.
I am as strong willed and as stubborn as ever. I refuse to settle for anything less than fucking amazing. I hate when people say relationships are work. Maybe it is because the way they say it makes it sound like a chore, or an inconvenience. In my opinion, a relationship should never be any of those things. Sure, there will be bad days and good days. Sure, times will be amazing, and sometimes will be tough. But even on the worst days, if I chose you, it is because I want to. And to me that is not work. It is love and caring.
Maybe it is because I am happier than I have ever been in my life and I am single. If someone does not come into my life and add to my life, then quite frankly I do not want any part of it. I do not have the time or interest in half-ass dating someone. Zero interest. Time is precious, and I would rather surround myself with my close friends and family who will lift me up and surround with me with love. So I want to thank you for showing me what love isn’t. And in that long process, I found the only love that I will ever need – the love for myself.