It’s been almost six months since my last serious relationship has ended. While this might not be so important to many, it is to me. That relationship lasted almost three years and I really thought he was the one I would marry. When that guy and I broke up, I did something which many women do nowadays and which I greatly advice you don’t: I dated immediately. Immediately meaning a month after the break up.
I dated men without fully moving on. I dated to distract myself. I dated to feel wanted, needed and beautiful. I dated, not with the objective of finding another boyfriend or the man I hoped to marry but with the intention that I just wanted to forget.
And oh boy did I forget. I forgot myself in the process of making time for all those men. I forgot my goals, ambitions, dreams. I forgot the things and people I love.
I forgot who was the most important person in a relationship–myself. I forgot so many things about myself that by the time I met a great guy who was really special, I threw everything away and went for it. I went for him and by some great divine intervention, he didn’t want me. By that time, I had lost everything that was important to one’s self–drive, hope, motivation, principles. I was devastated and heart broken.
It was exactly what I needed.
I woke up.
After weeks of crying, thinking dark thoughts, running in the morning thinking of “whys” and “what could’ve beens”, after weeks of exhausting myself by working out and working hard so I wouldn’t think of all the pain that these boys caused me, it finally dawned on me: I am lost. Very, very lost.
It was a series of reflective paths that spurred me to take one step forward, then the next, then the next. It was a very long journey. Ever so slowly, I was walking forward. I was moving upward. I was moving. And when you leave that place where you’ve always been, it gives you a perspective on things. It makes you see everything and everyone, most especially yourself, from a different angle. From a different lens and a different set of eyes. And for that I am grateful.
Because of that movement, I was able to figure it out. I am not ready for any relationship. I am not really for any man ready.
Even before that boyfriend who I was with for almost 3 years. I wasn’t ready for him. I wasn’t ready for that guy who I fell head over heels with after my ex-boyfriend. I wasn’t ready then and I am not ready now. Even if Hugh Jackman (who is happily married by the way), my all time Hollywood crush, suddenly comes forward and declares his undying love for me, I won’t be ready for him (sorry Hugh).
This is why I am through with men. I am through with men because I am not ready for anyone. I am not ready to invest my time, energy, efforts, emotions in someone when I have so many things I need to do with my time, so many projects and advocacies that need my energy and efforts and so many people who need my emotional support at the moment.
Yes, there are times I feel lonely and sometimes the darkness of such loneliness overwhelms me. There are times that I long for a company, a companion, someone to unburden myself to at the end of the day, someone to vent out when I am frustrated, someone to hold my hand when it’s cold out, someone who will greet me at the beginning of each day and at the end of every night. (But then, all of these can be done by a cute, fluffy, dog).
I am kidding. But it would be lovely to have someone to share your fears, pains, joys, hopes, dreams, knock knock jokes with. But while it would be lovely, I also know that I have too many things I am working on and want to achieve and the idea of giving my time and emotions to someone when I still have that long list of things to do makes me hesitate. Actually no, it doesn’t make me hesitate. It makes me conclude with full conviction that I am not yet ready, sorry.
I still have places to go to: hills and gardens I want to explore, beaches I want to camp on, stars I want to sleep under, long bus rides I want to take.
And while the idea that I can do those things with someone would be great. But the idea that I can do those without relying on someone and that I can explore the entire world just leaves me breathless with more excitement. I still have classes to take, people to meet, books to read, movies to watch, cafes to eat at. And no, I don’t need anyone at the moment to enjoy those things.
But most of all, I don’t need a man right now because being alone has made me realize that you can be alone and not be lonely.
It is empowering knowing that even if you are alone, you aren’t lonely. Even if the wind is cold, the sky turns dark as night enters, and sometimes, the rain pitter patters outside — a perfect recipe to feel loneliness but not now, not anymore. Instead I am left with the feeling of contentment, of happiness. Amidst my big, white bed. Amidst my empty and cold apartment. It is not even depressing anymore. It is peaceful. I find it peaceful.
I do think that I do not need a man. I do not need to marry. I do not need to date. Not yet at least. Not now. Not yet. When I am ready, I will be there for him. I will give him my 100% as a wife, woman and (eventually) mother to his children. I will support his causes, his advocacies, his dreams, ambitions and goals in life, in society and in his role in this vast universe.
But until then, I am doing the things that I want, that makes me grow and that makes me happy. If I do meet him, he has to be one hell of a man to deserve the woman that I am and that I will be.
But most of all, he has to wait. Because I am not yet ready for him. Not now. Not yet.