To My Forever Love: I’m Sorry I’m So Much To Handle

I hope you do not leave when I slowly give you pieces of myself. Pieces of me that even I cannot place together. Pieces of me that I wish never existed, and yet you hold them together, hoping it would give you something beautiful.

You are so full of uncertainty, and so am I. And yet, you still try to keep me from falling apart. I have given you myself in the hopes that you keep me for as long as you can because I cannot help but allow you to. I do not need to give you a reason on why I do this; I simply must. I find comfort in trusting others, yet at the same time, I am also completely afraid.

Why?

You have me. I grow and live within you as I find a home to feel safe in in your heart. However, like a parasite to its prey, it may often feel like I am feeding off you. Unknowingly. I will suck all your energy. I will kill your time. I will test your patience and take whatever is left of it. You will feel sorry at first, for my life is full of problems coming from everywhere. Although, that is when you will notice how I am slowly draining you.

That is my fear.

The fear of hurting and losing you as I pierce your skin with my sharp, uneven edges. You will drop that piece of me, curse at it, and wish you never picked it up and tried to put it all back together in the first place.

You never fix a broken glass. You throw it to avoid further accidents.

But please, hear me out. This is where I beg you to stay.

Because while I have been draining you, absorbing all the life within you, I have already lost mine way before you have.

So allow me to try.

Allow me to try to become your strength, not a weakness. Allow me to give you hope, despite the fact that I am on the tip of my toes at the edge of a mountain, waiting for that slight breeze to push me off because of all the hatred I have gathered towards myself.

However, a part of me prays that it doesn’t come. Your voice, your hard work, and everything else that I remember you by consumes my thoughts and squeezes my heart. I panic as I see your face if I do take this jump to my end. Do I want to stop seeing you smile? Hearing you laugh? Feeling my fingertips leave goosebumps on your skin? Staring at you and taking in all your beauty?

I open my eyes and take a few steps away from the edge, wiping my tears as I take in the horizon in front of me. The amazing mix of pink, orange, and blue.

It’s reminds me of you.

You are the reason why I cannot jump off on my own. You are the exquisite view at the top of this mountain that I ignored due to my selfishness. As you lose life trying to protect me and lose hope trying to piece back together something that might never end up the way you first saw it, I see the light of the hope and love that you have given and left for me to see. I feel the struggle and frustration that flows within your veins trying to fix me. The tears in your eyes when you are lacking a piece, yet you still believe I can be beautiful.

Now, it is time for you to rest. Allow me to take care of you as I wrap my arms around your tired frame. Let me give you the love that you have given me. Let me double it.

Because you, after all, are my constant.

And I only want to be yours as well.