I hope that in the very least, you’re feeling better. You’ve had a rough year. Your heart has been broken. Your life turned upside down. And there’s no one in the world that hates seeing you hurt, as much as I do.
I’d do anything to fix things for you.
To make you feel better. Even if it’s just for a while. Or at least that’s what I used to believe. You’re the only being that has always been there for me. Through every moment, good or bad, of every day since we met. Which is why I’m so sorry that for once I can’t return the favor.
You see, I realize now that I lied to you. I lied a thousand times and in a thousand ways. I remember once telling you that I would do anything for you. And on a separate day I said that that I would always be by your side. And I know there must have been hundreds of other occasions where words like these passed from my lips to your ears. And though I’m sure that I must have meant them, I realize now that intention is not the only thing that matters. My greatest fault is that words have always come too easily for me. They’ve constantly sprung from my mind and leaked into existence without a single thought on the consequences they may have.
And so, I spoke these words to you…without pausing at the grandiosity of each “anything”…without dwelling on the extremity of every “always”. Without a single drop of humility that would allow me to realize that these promises might in fact not be possible. And so the day came when I saw you in the worst pain you’ve ever experienced. And I felt helpless as all I could do was listen and reassure you that eventually everything would be alright.
But “eventually” isn’t a word for the loved ones of those in pain. Eventually is not enough for us. That’s why I looked the other way when I saw you glance at him. It’s why I laughed along as the two of you teased each other…and why I pretended not to see as you laid across his lap. It’s why I went to bed early that night.
Because you were smiling and I knew that that’s what you needed. Because I had promised to do anything. And in that moment your smile was more important than my tears. But as I woke up alone in the middle of the night, self-preservation and simple selfishness took over me. And that’s when I came to know that I couldn’t keep my promises to you anymore. Maybe it’s that I’m an awful friend. Maybe it’s that I truly never imagined that you would call my bluff.
That you would test the limits of how far I was willing to let you go or how much I would let you take. But you see, if he was just a man I wouldn’t be writing this letter today. If he was just a man, you and I would still be okay. But you didn’t just take a man away from me that night. You robbed me of my confidence, or the little amount I had left when he was done.
You ran away with my hopes, after I had taken so long to build them back up. You took my trust. You. My one gloriously beaming ray of unconditional and untainted love. My one piece of proof against those defensive walls I’ve been fighting for years. You took it all. And though I promised it to you, I never thought you would. You have said everything I need to hear. Each word in it’s right place. Every apology, sincere.
Yet, I’m still broken. And words just aren’t fixing me.
I used to think that I would do anything for you. Knowing that you would do the same. So I buried myself in that mindset, and while in that hole I forgot to take care of myself. Until the day I realized that you weren’t going to do it for me.
All of this, my dearest friend, to say that I don’t know where we go from here but I do know that for now, we can’t go together.