The Guys On HBO’s GIRLS, Ranked In Order Of Desirability

It has to be said. With what amounts to the world’s most controversial sitcom back on TV to make your Sunday nights a little more “zeitgeist-y,” and the promise of old and new flames for all of our not-quite-intrepid heroines, it’s time to look back on the guys of Girls. This list leaves out one-scene, nameless characters (because who really cares about the ironic mustache guy Jessa “smote”?), but on a scale of “Damn, girl!” to “What were you thinking?,” here are the gentlemen of Girls:

1. Joshua

Girls
Girls

Um, hello? The hot doctor played by Patrick Wilson, who lives in a beautiful brownstone, but whose worldly success can’t quench a touch of thoughtful melancholy? Yes. All of the Yes. Too bad Hannah’s meltdown burnt that beautiful, beautiful bridge.

2. Charlie

Girls
Girls

Oh, Marnie, we can see why this one messed you up so bad. Although really, why were you so down on him in Season 1? He was always handsome, sweet, devoted, and could build bizarre bunk-forts with his own two hands. His becoming a fancy-schmancy app designer was really just the icing on the cake. Charlie was he definition of a catch, and he will be sorely missed.

3. Sandy

Screen Shot 2014-01-31 at 10.03.30 AM
Girls

While he loses points for being a Republican, he gains them back by both having it together enough to be in law school while neither depressed nor an alcoholic, and by not being pushy about his politics. Plus, he was cute. Hannah once again had to mess it up. Silly girl.

4. Ray

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Girls

Looking for a true NYC romantic experience? Look no further than Ray. All the snark and neuroses of a Woody Allen movie, with only some of the penchant for age-gap relationships. Plus, there’s something deeply charming about the one character in this show who takes sex seriously (besides Season 1 virgin-Shosh). Shoshanna was right to leave him (honey, you’re 21! You have no business being with a 33-year-old depressive cafe manager!), but I can see why it was hard for her to do.

5. Adam

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Girls

The “cronut” of the Girls experience: everyone keeps saying “oh, how delicious!” but I will never get the hype. Every instance of insight or sweetness is followed up by three instances of utter rudeness and/or deep peculiarity. Plus, that scene with him and Natalia late into Season 2 (you know the one), was really upsetting. He’s not a terrible character, and although I personally don’t find him handsome, I suppose it’s conceivable, but I  just don’t get the fuss.

6. Thomas John

Girls
Girls

Oh, Jessa. Poor, ridiculous Jessa. I know you were hurting after that debacle with your job, but this? I mean…. he was…. at least his horribly pretentious apartment was… nice? I suppose I could see him being good for a round of hate sex, but he’d probably speak in baby talk after. Pass.

7. Booth Jonathan

Girls
Girls

MARNIE? ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU STUFFED INTO A FREEZER? PLEASE JUST PICK UP YOUR CELL PHONE, MARNIE. While he had an arrogant charm about him in Season 1, his scary Victorian dolls and penchant for locking people in tv towers bought him a one-way ticket on the crazy train. Run, do not walk, away from Booth Jonathan. TC mark

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