5 Self-Improvement Goals I Set For Myself, But Break Every Day

1. “Every time I go to a restaurant I will order a salad.”

I have never, even once, ordered a salad at a restaurant. I always think about it, and then I get a craving for Fettuccini Alfredo. Or mozzarella sticks. Or literally anything else on the menu, but especially if it’s cheese-based. Because literally every food is more appetizing than salad.

2. “I will never Facebook-stalk my crush again.”

Oh, come on… Just let me see what his cute little face looked like…when he went to that track meet in high school. What’s it gonna hurt? It’s not like I’m standing outside his window, singing “Nothing Compares 2 U.” Pleeeease, just let me look at all his pictures. Again and again and again.

3. “I will read War and Peace this summer. Or maybe Moby Dick. Or maybe both.”

Hah. Hah. Didn’t you mean, ‘I will read Cosmo’s article “I Ate a Donut Off My Boyfriend’s Penis?”’

4. “I will not say anything behind a person’s back that I wouldn’t say to their face.”

Listen, it’s not that I’m an unkind person. It’s just that there are very few topics I know how to discuss in casual conversation, and one of them is every scrap of gossip I manage to overhear in my lonely little existence. You take gossip away from me, and all I can do is ask who your favorite character is in Orange Is the New Black for the thirty-fifth time. Pleeease, let me desperately try not to seem boring. It only hurts them if it gets back to them, right? Which it won’t. Probably….

5. “I will write a novel in one month.”

While this seems to be a breeze for all my Facebook friends, I find it much easier to write trashy articles about “self-improvement” that I can publish on the Internet.