I am not really good at conversations. They make me feel so anxious; I end up looking so naive. So, I’d rather write down everything that I wanted to say. Please bear with me, my thoughts are scattered all over the place right now. I will try my best to make sense, all I know is that I have to cry my heart out, because I can no longer bear this. For over a year I have tried to deny this, but at the end of the day, the fact still remains: I’m into you.
I am scared to death, but I would rather let you know than regret this for the rest of my life.
Remember the day when we first met? I liked you, since that faithful day. I was so mesmerized by your strong personality, your voice and pretty face too. I even, had the guts to tell you how pretty you are. But since you are my so out of my league, I keep in mind that there are certain boundaries that I have to respect. That is why as much as possible, I limit my contact with you, I guard myself and I act immaturely just to hide what I really feel. Unfortunately, what the mind denies consciously, consistently shows up in the subconscious and a as a result, I end up dreaming about you not only once or twice, but a lot of times in a course of a year. I don’t tell it to any one, not until now. I’m sorry if I creep you out. Please don’t think less of me. I am not a pervert. I am just a weird ambivert who is too honest for her own good.
I keep my feelings for you in a box, hidden away too deep.
I intend to focus myself on my work, my studies and my relationship. But I can’t really fool myself, you keep on poppin’ in my headd, and it was so fuckin’ hard.
Then, things began to change. I start to hear stories about you and your attitude. I felt like everyone around me is so negative, it tears me down. That is when I start to feel my depression settling’ in. I told myself, I have to do something about it or I’ll go crazy before my 31st. I pull myself together and somehow managed to survive and things start to go back to its usual course again.
I tried to understand, why you are doing those things and as much as possible I refrain myself from judging, since I don’t really knew you that well enough. There are times, I want to reach out to you but you keep on rejecting me, so I just accept the fact that you don’t want me, it’s better off that way. I convince myself that my weirdness doesn’t interest you. Even if there are times I just want to talk to you about life and its ironies. I just want you to always remember that no matter what happens, you can always count on me as a friend. I know that even if you act so tough on the outside, deep inside, you are the sweetest, caring and loving person anyone could ever have.
I already accept the fact that we could never be, the Universe may have let are path came across each other due to some other reason, but not to have a happy ending together. I’m still grateful for knowing you.