I always wondered what would feel like if you were to come back. I think of the days and nights that I spent wishing for you to change your mind, for you to run back into my arms. I reminisce on the countless prayers I yelled to a God I didn’t even believe in before I met you. I prayed for your protection, your happiness, but mostly I prayed for the day it would be the right time for us to be together again. I remember how I convinced myself that all I needed was closure, but really all I wanted was for you to regret it, I wanted you to see me and realize the mistake you made, I wanted you to fight for us, I wanted you to beg for me, but you never did. That should have been my answer but I just couldn’t understand how it was so easy for you to walk away when I could barely go a second of the day without thinking about you, about us – I didn’t know better.
After several exhausting attempts to get your attention I got used to the idea of a life without you and after allowing myself to go through a not so stable roller coaster of emotions, I made the choice to channel all that love that I saved for you to myself. You leaving led to the beginning of my life and to be fully honest, this has been the best year yet.
I thought you were all I needed, but you weren’t, you came into my life to teach me so many lessons I didn’t even know I required to become the person I am today. After you, came love, and not the consuming love that would leave me breathless and wondering, but a love that felt easy, a love that allowed me to smile, live, travel, and experience life with the most curious and open eyes. I would still think about you every now and then, but I stopped waiting for you to come back- I didn’t want you back. I realized our hearts have a way of blinding our minds from the not so good parts of a relationship, or a person, to the point where we only remember the magical parts. The reality is, everything ends for a reason.
So when the once very much dreamed of “I miss you” text popped on my screen with your name, I was surprised to notice that I didn’t miss you back. To think that a year from now that’s all I ever wanted and now it was just that, a text from someone who once meant the world to me, someone who no longer did. And thus you remain my weakness, just for the memories I agreed to see you and I am glad I did because that just showed me how much I have changed and how much you haven’t. I am not who you remember I was, I am much stronger, more aware of what I’m capable of and what I deserve- I know you saw it too.
You, on the other hand, had the same sad eyes, embraced by the same bad habits. Your words spoke nothing new, it felt like deja vu. I never needed you, you needed me. I never lost you, you lost me. So to whoever is reading this, I hope that if they come back to your life, you understand that you are much stronger than any of your weaknesses and you have the choice to walk the other way. You don’t owe them anything, you never did. And if you still miss them I promise you the day will come where you won’t.