The desire to be loved is burning my soul like a spark does gasoline. I crave the touch of a specific pair of hands as I crave the genuine yet intense look from his green eyes. I wish I could go back to the fantasy of what our adventure once was, and yet I am almost certain that that’s all it will be in the future: a fantasy.
In the words of Rupi Kaur, “isn’t it such a tragic thing. when you can see it so clearly but the other person doesn’t.”
Being stuck in an illusion of made up scenarios and a future of us seems to shorten the amount of time that needs to pass before I see him. Standing here, now, without him, separated by oceans larger than time, I can’t help but wonder if his mind spins like mine does, uncontrollably. I wonder if he sometimes feels stuck in the past like I do. I wonder if he starts to count the days from when we last spoke. I wonder if he fills those days with memories of us so he can feed his loneliness—is he alone?
I wake up every day longing for a notification that lights up his name. I count the hours until it is time to go to bed so I can just think and reminisce myself to sleep—him and I, my favorite movie. But it is quite frustrating, you know? Because I promised myself it wouldn’t happen again, because I am well aware that I am the one to blame for the hours lost in my days, because I want to live in the now and I know I can, but I still make the decision to stay stuck in my thoughts of him.
So I wonder and I wonder, but I get no response. Should I take that as my answer or should I keep wandering until I bump into someone who looks like love and hope in human form? Someone who will touch my mind before my body and someone who will understand my “nerdy” but extraordinary passions like he did. I no longer want to live in our memories, but I just struggle so deeply to understand how two people can create magic but only one is willing to stay while one just always seems to get away unharmed—he was the one who got away. I also know that I should struggle, crumble, and fall for other reasons, but if you’d met him, then you would understand why it is so hard to let go of his light. However, I refuse to continue to blindly wait for the universe or fate to reunite us once again when we both know that task falls into our hands, it is simply a matter of wanting it bad enough.
So I will wonder and I will wander. But not all those who wonder need answers and not all those who wander are lost.