It took me a lot to recognize and admit that I was still an emotional beggar.
I was still waiting for the call, for the invitation and for that heartfelt attention that makes us feel heard and seen as human beings. I was still expecting that someone would sit with me in the darkest hour, but everyone kept putting their shoes and coats on to simply walk out the door in the next minute or so. It didn’t matter how many hours of service I had given, the story ended up always in the same fashion.
“No one can deal with me”, I thought.
I was putting all the blame on others though; I couldn’t see my own fault or bit in the equation. They were the quitters, they were the ones not brave enough to stick around when things were “not so good”, and they would get to be the selfish bastards as well. I would just be the unlucky one, the one who couldn’t find a safe place in another to just pour it all out and get any sort of validation as a human being.
I was fiercely looking for unconditional love out there, not realizing that I had to have it for myself first. From that moment onwards the problem itself would not be a problem anymore. That was the lesson that everyone was trying to teach me by walking away from me in the moments of greatest need. However, before I acknowledged this, I gave all of me to others, without ever sitting with or giving me my own medicine. I wanted someone else to do that job for me. I wanted someone else to take care of me like I had taken care of others. I wanted someone to sing me lullabies at night when I never sang them to myself.
Thus, I gave my power away more times than I can count. I let my pain-body be activated over and over, because I was not aware that I hadn’t unconditional love for myself. If I had been aware of it, I would not feel such amount of pain every time someone walked out the door, leaving me alone to sort out my monsters. I would not feel abandoned. Or maybe I would, but I would be able to cope with it better and make the necessary changes in my relationships. But I was the one provoking my own pain because the pain was due to the idea that I couldn’t suffice myself, that I was not powerful enough to strive by myself, with my own unconditional self-love.
I was simply a beggar. And we can’t beg love. Love is something that people can only give freely. And we can’t beg for something we never had for ourselves.
I am not an emotional beggar, not anymore. I won’t keep destroying myself by putting the experience of finding unconditional love in another. I won’t point the finger and reclaim something that people are not willing to give. And more importantly, I now see that I can count on me for whatever I need – including unconditional love in the darkest hours.
I also now smile to those who chose to walk away and leave me to deal with my own mess, instead of looking at them with resentment and anger. I let them all go, feeling thankful for the lesson. And oh, what a lesson.