First, I want to start by saying that I don’t mean to speak negatively on those of you that are battling these things. My heart goes out to you and I sincerely hope that you find the peace you are looking for. I’m writing this to raise awareness for the people that give their love and forget to save some for themselves. Because loving someone with depression and/or addiction isn’t a job for the faint of heart. Love is hard as it is, but loving someone that’s struggling with these things requires you to go the extra mile. It takes a toll on you because not only are you loving them, you’re loving the pieces of them that they don’t love. And that doesn’t leave much room for you to love yourself.
Loving an addict is hard. It’s (what feels like) an endless tunnel of trying, knowing you can’t control the result. It’s one too many broken promises, and spending nights awake wondering why someone can choose a substance over you (again). It’s worrying that maybe one day they’ll take it too far. It’s imagining losing them to their addiction and realizing you don’t know what the fuck you’d do. It’s knowing you don’t stand a chance next to their battle with addiction.
Loving someone with depression is hard. It’s putting your feelings to the side because regardless, you know that they’re more delicate. It’s sacrificing your own mental health in hopes of making them better. It’s being strong because you need to be strong not just yourself, but for someone else too. It’s feeling helpless to what you have absolutely no control over. It’s battling an idea that you can save this person when the only person you can ever save is yourself.
It’s emotionally draining yourself because you care so much. It’s caring too much. It’s forgetting that you’re someone to worry about too. You forget that you need to be taken care of, even though you might be a little stronger. It’s realizing that you can give so much love to someone in need and that’s beautiful. But you just need to remember to save some of that love for yourself too.
Your actions and how you treat people are all a reflection of you. I think caring and loving so much shows nobility. It shows compassion. It shows real love. And I guess I always want to be a person full of love. But I want to save more love for myself from this point on.