I spent so much of my time seeking your unspoken approval, to the point where my self-worth was measured by whether or not you would come to love me. Every action, every decision that I made, had some implication that I hoped you would notice. I changed a part of me to become someone that you could find yourself falling in love with. Maybe it made sense at the time. But looking back, did I really think that our foundation built solely on nights spent together would go somewhere?
I mean after all, here I am still writing about you, even after everything we had between us amounted to nothing. When I think about it now, we really didn’t have anything between us save for lust and pillow talk. But in my mind, I made it into so much more. And I wish that I could let myself believe that it was okay to become nearly infatuated with someone who probably didn’t think twice of me. But mostly I feel stupid about it. I always hoped that the day would come when you would finally want to be with me. I wonder if I ever knew deep down that it never would.
How I felt about myself slowly became based on how I thought you felt about me.
I tried to compare myself to all the pretty girls that you would hang around, while you pretended that the nights we spent together did not exist. And in my mind, I was no comparison to them and I never would be. When You’re Emotionally Wrecked From The Person Who Only Wanted You Late At Night
I had to deal with so many of your mixed messages and gestures that I was left emotionally wrecked – emotionally wrecked from someone who I wasn’t even in a relationship with. From someone who wouldn’t even acknowledge me in public but would treat me like we were dating in the bedroom.
When I first met you, I guess I was looking for someone to fill the void my first love left, and you were a perfect fit. And I will admit that looking back on the good times, those few months were really good and we both felt it. I won’t lie and say that I don’t miss that. I miss that feeling of hope and happiness when I would get that late night text from you.
It’s sad that what I miss, all that we had, is based mostly off of late night texts and waiting up for one another to come over.
That feeling should be based off of so many other things before it is based off of what we had. If I wasn’t so blinded by you, I would have realized that. I would have realized there were never foundations on which you could come to love me, and maybe it would have saved me a lot of pain.
Now that I’ve learned my lesson the hard way over the last two years, I hope I am only going to give my heart to somebody worthy of it. I willed myself to believe that you were, but deep down I knew you weren’t. And I know that I’m not completely over it, or else I wouldn’t be writing this now. But come the fall, it will be the first time that you won’t be around and in close proximity to me. And maybe I won’t walk around everywhere on guard thinking that maybe I’ll see you, imagining up fake conversations that we would have just in case I did. Or staying up late with that last hope that I’ll get a text from you, asking to see me. Because you’ll be gone and I think that’s the best thing that could happen to me.
I wish there was something I could thank you for, like how people thank their ex’s for teaching them a valuable lesson. I’m sure maybe there is. But I haven’t quite figured it out yet; I’m still trying to figure myself out. So for now, I’ll take a step in the right direction, and thank you for the memories. As tainted with pain as they may be, we both know we had a good time together, regardless of all the torment you unknowingly put me through. I’m sorry I was never that girl for you, and I know you’re sorry too.