Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be basic. It’s no longer as simple as toting your Starbucks cup, en route to a bottomless mimosas brunch, adorned with yoga pants and baggy college sweatshirts. I’m afraid the definition has become more convoluted and about as murky as a cold brew coffee with almond milk. I know what you’re thinking, “I’m not basic. I’m a forward thinking, 21st century, Beyonce-lover who doesn’t associate myself with basic bitches.” Think again, my basic friend, think again.
I’ve come up with a handy dandy, list of questions to find out if you’re basic, because everyone knows basics love lists. If your answer is “yes” to more than half these questions, it’s likely time to step out of denial and into the world of $8 juices and side hustles.
1. Does douchey yoga mat placement really give you hives?
2. Are you not like those girls who hate beer? Do you love a good hoppy IPA, or even better a nitro beer, because you’re all about that good mouth feel?
3. Do you drink iced coffee year round? (Extra points for if it’s cold brew.)
4. Do you exclusively shop at boutiques in cute neighborhoods that only you know about?
5. Are The Chainsmokers too mainstream for you at this point, because you listened to them way before they played at the X-Games?
6. Are you dating a guy who you’re exclusive with, but you’re hesitant to DTR, because you’re an independent woman and you don’t need him?
7. Do you have a job, three side hustles and an Instagram for each?
8. Do you have dreams of moving “out West” to join the ranks of young professionals who like to go “off the grid” on the weekend?
9. Do your Instagram captions go through an approval process similar to a constitutional amendment?
10. Does your pet get more likes than you on Instagram?
11. Do you subscribe to Blue Apron, Wine of the Month Club, Birch Box, BarkBox, or any other monthly subscription?
12. Do you have alerts on your phone on how the recent governmental decisions will affect the avocado shortage?
13. Did you go abroad, but to like this really quaint place where you “immersed” yourself in the culture, ate the food, dated a local and was basically part of the fam?
14. Are you “so over” that trendy chicken and waffles place downtown because there’s a much better and more authentic restaurant in an up and coming neighborhood?
15. Do any of the following words make you tingle with excitement: Truffle, micro, brew, kombucha, avocado, sea salt, essential oil, side hustle, chia?
16. Do you pride yourself on knowing what’s going on in the world (via theskimm)?
17. Are you “over cheap clothes” from forever21 & H&M but still find yourself going in every chance you get just to make sure you’re still over it?
18. Is coconut oil your holy water used to repel evil and split ends?
19. Do you exclusively wear simple gold jewelry?
20. Are you getting very concerned about how many questions you’ve said “yes” to?
It’s fine ladies, you’re basic, I’m basic, we’re all basic. Apparently, all the best bitches are.