10 Easy Steps To Throwing A Wildly Successful Pity Party

Sometimes, a pity party is just necessary.  Shit happens, you fall into a random funk, season’s change, etc.  Here is a quick guide to help you make the most out of your own personal pity party:


1. Guests

The guest list should be limited to you; only you.  Do not subject another human or even a pet to your self-wallowing behavior.  It’s not cool.  Just don’t do it.

2. Location

The ideal location is at your place of residence.  It should be empty.  Free of family members, significant others, and/or roommate(s).

If it is impossible to have the entire house or apartment to yourself shutting yourself in your bedroom should suffice.

It is possible to throw a short pity party in a public bathroom.  However, it is not recommended due to the increased risk of the party being crashed by uninvited person(s).

3. Atmosphere

Creating the atmosphere is the most important part of event planning.  It must be carefully thought through and executed. The perfect pity party atmosphere starts with blocking out as much sunlight as possible.  Shut those shades and close those curtains.

4. Decorations

Anything soft and/or fuzzy is ideal.  For example blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, or tissues are fantastic choices.

Music selection can make or break a party.  Choose music containing mostly minor notes and chords.  Minor tones are generally associated with negative feelings and emotions.

5. Food and Drink

Anything high in fat and/or sugar is perfect.  Classics, such as Ben & Jerry’s and pizza from the greasiest take out joint in town, are highly recommended.  Rule of thumb is to consume three to four times your average daily caloric intake.

Wash down that revolting amount of food with alcohol.  Choose something cheap that doesn’t go down easily.  I recommend vodka.

6. Activities

Anything requiring excessive movement is out.  Excessive movement, in this case, is defined by anything more strenuous than shoveling food into your mouth.

7. Watch A Movie

Watch something sad or something that will remind you of whatever inspired you to throw this party.

8. Space Out

Allow your mind to wander.  By wander, I mean replay over and over again every embarrassing or upsetting moment you can think of.

9. Cry

This is important.  You must let go.  Allow your problems and emotions to be converted into salty tears and thick yellowy mucus and ooze out of your face.  Your party cannot come to a conclusion until you are surrounded by a shallow sea of damp used tissues.

10. Party Favors/Take Away/Whatever

It’s time to shut the party down once your stomach has expanded to its max capacity, you’ve listened to your pity party playlist a few times over, or you have run out of tissues or toilette paper.

Sometimes when shit gets fucked up or you find yourself in a funk; throwing yourself a little pity party can help.  Everyone knows bottling up your emotions is NOT healthy.

Unlike the rest of this article, the following is NOT a joke: If you find yourself throwing these parties very frequently or they are lasting more than a few hours; you should see a healthcare professional.  That said, I am not any sort of mental health or any kind of health care professional.  I am just a no-name blogger who writes dumb shit on the interwebs but does take depression very seriously.  Depression and other related mental illnesses are serious and should be taken seriously. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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