Dear Cat Callers Everywhere:
I’m not a trained psychologist so I don’t know why you say the things you do to complete strangers on the street, but I know one thing for sure: If you think you’re giving out compliments, you’re falling pretty short of your mark. Not only is catcalling threatening and rather tasteless, but I find it also says a lot about the boy — not man, real men don’t catcall women — that’s yelling, and probably not what he wants it to.
The truth is, when you yell something sexual at me on the street, there’s a world of difference between what you’re saying and what I’m hearing.
1. You say: Hey baby, smile for us!
I hear: My friends know it’s been a long time since I’ve gotten laid, so I need to pretend like I’ve still got game by harassing women for smiles on the street!
2. You say: How much for an hour of it?
I hear: I was raised to believe women are commodities and not actual human beings capable of rational thought, feelings, or anything outside of sex. Also, I’m too immature to say the word ‘sex’ out loud so I have to say ‘it’, like a 9-year-old.
3. You say: Come over here and give me some sugar!
I hear: I’m a distinct and immediate threat to your safety; you should probably get out of here as quickly as possible!
4. You say: I wanna get some of that!
I hear: I can’t get a woman to choose to sleep with me more than once because I don’t know what a clitoris is, so I have to beg for free sex on the street.
5. You say: Check out this one! Where you going dressed like that, girl?
I hear: I’m threatened by the fact that you, as a woman, look better in a three-piece suit than I do. Also, I’m jealous that you have somewhere to go tonight and I don’t.
6. You say: Girl, you fiiiine.
I hear: I’m not clever or original enough to come up with something new, so I said the first thing that popped into my head. Did I do it right?
7. You say: I can show you a good time!
I hear: I got my pickup lines out of a handbook from the 60s. The 1860s. Also, odds are I don’t actually know how to show you a good time.
8. You say: Check out that ass!
I hear: I’m standing on this street judging the appearances of passing women because I don’t have a job or a significant other at home; basically I’m lonely and sad.
9. You say: Come here, pussy.
I hear: I think you might literally be a cat. There’s Purina Fancy Feast back at my place?
Don’t want to sound like a pathetic, misogynistic moron that doesn’t know how to talk to women? Don’t cat call women on the street.