1. Do your homework.
Having good grades will never hurt you. Balance school with activities that stretch your soft skills, such as teamwork and communication. Don’t let a lower GPA be the reason an employer chooses a man over you.
2. Wear Sunscreen and limit tanning.
This will prevent skin cancer. Skin cancer can kill you and death would certainly impede the likelihood of you finding “success.” Being alive is the must-have career tool for the new millennium. Side bonus, it prevents wrinkles if you’re looking to avoid those.
3. Thoroughly research the type of career you would like to one day have.
Want to be a marine biologist? I’ve heard they don’t need MBAs. Want to be a CEO of a marketing startup? You don’t need one either. Want to be the VP of Finance for Google? Maybe an MBA is a good idea. A career in business is not what everyone wants and a degree is not what everyone needs. Take a few years (or really as much time as you need) to find out what you want to do and what you really need to get there. You will not necessarily take the same path as those who came before you, but it’s a good place to start.
Also, an MBA can cost up to $100,000. Pretty sure going to business school if you do not have this kind of money sitting around is not the way to show men that you are “smart.” It is the way to get into debt.
4. Start early learning to love yourself seriously.
Self-love, self-care, and self-respect are terribly underrated.
When you get on an airplane and they play the warning video about what to do during loss of cabin pressure, what do they say about the masks that drop down from the overhead panel? Put on your own before assisting others.
If you want to have a spouse or kids, think about that metaphor.
5. Drink your milk.
Of the 10 million Americans with osteoporosis, 80% are women. If you break a hip, it can be challenging to have a child and then go on maternity leave.
6. Guard your money obsessively.
Women, on average, save less money for retirement than men. When you are young and single put away as much money as you can towards your future, which will hopefully be with a loving partner who will never divorce you because of your exceedingly sexy personal finance acumen.
7. Practice austerity.
Because it provides you peace-of-mind. Because then you can spend (for example) one day a year treating yo’ self and not feel guilty. Because it gives you freedom. Because you may want to be the sole provider for your family. Because you are a strong woman who can support herself, if she wants to.
8. Do start something.
Be it a family, company, garden, puppy rescue, neighborhood BBQ, drive for the needy, whatever. Everyone likes to think they will leave some kind of positive mark on this world. Consider getting help. Maybe from a man because they are generally willing to lift heavy boxes.
9. If you can’t get men to help you start something, ask women.
Generally, they, too, are willing to lift heavy boxes.
10. School. Your kids will be screwed if they can’t add or read.
As there are no comprehensive, definitive studies condemning all children who attend public school to a lifetime of failure, it is safe to think that a free education is better than no education.
Homeschooling can indeed be a wonderful option for parents who decide they have the time/money and would like their children to be like Lindsay Lohan’s character in Mean Girls.
11. Spend money on whatever you please and wrench the damn door open yourself.
I have heard that spouses will oftentimes assist with cleaning and child-raising without being asked.
Curiously, I have seen many women who are over the age of 45, have wrinkles and have yet to check themselves into a community for invalids. This bears further investigation, but for now, let’s charge along, opening doors of opportunity for ourselves as long as we can, ladies.
12. Break the mould every day.
Change the narrow definition of beauty. Discover ways to make yourself happy to matter your age. Find your own definition of “success” and spend a lifetime leading yourself to it.