This Is When I Miss You The Most

umuller
umuller

I miss you when I remember how during our first kiss you thought the small mole beneath my bottom lip was a food crumb, before you realized what it actually was, yet in the moment you continued to kiss me anyway.

I miss you when I look through our old messages on Spotify and listen to all the songs we sent back and forth to each other during the very beginning, both of us so full of hope and excitement, endearingly clueless to the heart ache in years to come.

I miss you when I am laying awake at 3:41 in the morning for absolutely no reason at all except that I am feeling wildly creative, bursting with ideas and I remember how I used to tell you all about my big plans for my future and you would eagerly encourage me and truly believed in me.

I miss you when I am enjoying a beautiful, warm day outside and look up at the sun in utter appreciation, only have flashbacks of your electric golden brown eyes that I spent countless hours looking into and memorizing every tantalizing detail.

I miss you when I think about our trip to New York City that summer to visit my best friends and how they instantly loved you for me, how they loved you as much as I did, writing this right now my heart is breaking thinking about how I am still incapable of wrapping my mind around how that that was possibly 4 years ago.

I miss you when I think about my stint in the mental hospital and how desperately I wanted to see you despite everything, and how I should have been the last person you did anything for at that point yet once my dad called you, you dropped everything and you were there by my side within the hour.

I miss you when I am watching a baseball game and remember all the times we spent our days in the park and at the beach playing catch together, how we would be goofing around and you would pretend to be the ballpark announcer, using that silly animated voice that always made me burst out in uncontrollable laughter every time.

I miss you when I begin to feel like no one puts any effort into relationships these days and then I remember how you took a Greyhound bus from Chicago all the way to San Antonio only to spend 3 days with me and had to rush back to work and suddenly feel replenished with hope again for our generation and those to come.

I miss you when I read through my old journals from college that recount our entire relationship day in and day out from the beginning to end and get to momentarily relive all of the days I wish I could experience again, what I wouldn’t do go back to the first moment I knew I was falling for you.

I miss you when I can’t help but compare every guy to you and I immediately write them off because you set my bar of standards exceptionally high and get irrationally angry at you for a brief moment, only to thank you a few seconds later in my head.

I miss you when I see a sand dollar and remember that weekend we spent down in Baja California for my birthday camping on the beach and how when you didn’t know where I was you knew exactly where to find me, walking aimlessly down the shoreline collecting those rare natural beauties and I remember feeling the richest I have ever felt holding a whole sand dollar in one hand and your hand in the other.

I miss you when I am in one of my depressions and can’t help but remember how you used to do everything you could to try and cheer me up, how you would run to the store and promptly return with mangos, bundles of sunflowers, mozzarella cheese, pickles and coffee coffee buzz buzz buzz; all of my favorite things, in an attempt to make me smile.

I miss you almost everyday but I miss you the most when I remember how we always said 2017 was the year we would get married and how at this point in time that is less than a year away, yet you and I have never been further apart. TC mark

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