I am writing this to inform you all that effective two week from today, I will be resigning from the human race.
Although I am grateful for the opportunity to have been, for the time being, a productive member of society, I feel that I have gone as far as I can go in my career and I hope to move on to a place where I have more room to grow and where my skill set can be further utilized. Like my parents’ basement.
For the first 18 years of my life, I was fortunate enough to live and thrive under the roof of my mother and father. They sheltered me, fed me, loved me, encouraged me, and let me live free of charge. Over the past two years, I did what any recent High School graduate is expected to do. I moved out, went to University, got a job, took financial responsibility, and while I treasure the newfound independence, quite frankly, I much prefer to forgo all that and take more naps.
But don’t let my lack of motivation and upward mobility fool you. That is not the only reason why I’ve come to this decision. I realize, I simply cannot be apart of a society that truly believes that Rent is a good musical. I just cannot.
Throughout my time with society, I found that I am far too cynical to coexist with the rest of humanity at a functional level.
I have such a dislike for my own generation. Truly. I sit on my phone for prolonged amounts of time and question where this generation is going. To document every aspect of your life as if any of us actually care is preposterous. No, I did not ask about your anxiety, please stop posting about it. No, I was not wondering what you had for lunch today, stop taking photos of it. No, I never wanted to hear about that one time your uncle gave you a massage, please stop vlogging about it.
If you walk around in public talking to your phone’s camera, I’m judging you.
With all that said, I will slowly retract until I have fully removed myself.
I won’t be completely unproductive. My plan is to squat with my parents which is no simple task. I will likely have to endure daily lectures from my mother regarding my work ethic and although she will be making very valid points, it will be very draining to have to hear this every day.
I will then work to make an imprint into the sofa with my butt from sitting on it all day. I can finally catch up on Game of Thrones. A very important artifact from our present-day culture. I plan to “work on a script” that will inevitably never be completed, but it will be a nice ploy to show that I still have some ambition left. Also, I think I will take up embroidery. It is respectable and overlooked practice. Where would the world be after all without embroidery? How boring and simple would our tiny decorative pillows appear?
And if I’m being honest, I do not know what people mean when they refer to something as their “spirit animal.” I am always greatly confused by this. I’m relieved by the thought that I won’t ever have to hear someone refer to used bath towels as their “spirit animals.”
Thank you again for the opportunity and I wish you all the best of luck as productive members of society. Hopefully, with my absence, humanity will learn what actually matters in life. Like cancer. Someone should really figure that out. Also, I believe the fate of the Kardashians should eventually be determined. It is for the best.
Until next time,