Lonely and desperate woman seeking male companionship for the upcoming holiday seasons (temporary engagement).
If interested, please read the following carefully.
Description: Hello, I am a young and moderately hip woman who is in desperate need of a temporary boyfriend for the upcoming holiday season. To give you an idea of just how desperate I am, on average I consume about two and half pints of Ben & Jerry’s per day, and I watch about 26 hours of romantic comedies per week. My favorite movie is “Annie Hall.” Also, I cornrowed the hairs on my leg.
I am looking for someone to stand in as my temporary boyfriend so that we can attend family gatherings to prove to my family that I have my love life under control, go on double dates with my friend and her poor choice of a partner, do cutesy stuff together like watch movies in your apartment or talk to each other whilst mid-shit, and dramatically kiss in slow motion in a winter wonderland-esque setting with a cool background song playing (I was thinking “Drops of Jupiter” but I’m open to suggestion).
Requirements: Must be at least 5’7’ and on a scale of one to 10, I will take no lower than a six. However, if eight or higher, I am willing to adjust the height requirement if need be. Ethnic preference is caucasian with brown hair and preferably blue eyes [not required]. In all honesty, I am looking for the most basic white guy I can find. Must workout regularly even though I fail to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I expect you to accept this and love me for who I am while I do my best to change who you are.
Must address me as the following “Babe,” “Cutie,” “Lover,” “Empress,” “Master,” “Son of God,” “Blessing from above,” “Oh perfect one,” or “Mom.”
I expect 12 text messages a day. Two in the morning, six at lunch, two at dinner, one before bed, and then one in the middle of the night. This will show me that you can’t function without me, even at night.
While I’m not a stickler on intelligence level, I do however expect some form of penetrating discussions. An example of such penetrating discussion would be “do all dogs really go to heaven?”
Must constantly validate me because I’m extremely needy and lack the confidence to answer simple questions myself. Questions such as “Does my hair look good”, “Is she prettier than me”, or “Do you watch porn?”. When I ask “Does this dress make me look fat?”, the answer is always ice cream.
When I come home from work, I expect the following routine. I come home to find you playing video games, having accomplished none of what I asked (even though my instructions were incredibly vague. I may have imagined I told you go get something done). We will get into a quarrel and I will make the argument that you’re lazy and care more about your video games than about me, we both know however that this isn’t the least bit true but I still continue to play this card. Then, even though I’m a moody bitch and there was no reason for me to start this debate, you will swallow your pride because my happiness negates your will to win. From there you will profusely apologize and reassure me that I’m the best thing that’s happened to you. Then you will insist on making dinner and going out and buying me more ice-cream. We will complete this ritual once a day.
AND MUCH MORE!
If you are interested, please find me in a random coffee shop somewhere in downtown Manhattan on a crisp fall day. I will most likely be reading “Eat, Pray, Love” in the far corner by myself. You might also find me at the local small scale library in the self-help section. Make sure to initiate our romance in the grandest of gestures. I’m hoping for a “Serendipity” inspired encounter, only we will not let destiny decide our fate. This will all be meticulously orchestrated. But also real.
Your duties will end February 28th, assuming you put together an elaborate Valentine’s Day celebration. If you do not satisfy with said Valentines Day celebration, I may have to extend the deadline until I have reached ultimate satisfaction in your services.
Looking forward to our temporary true[ish] love partnership!