Friends, family members, and fellow co-workers are always so interested in what it’s like to live a fabulous life like, I, Valaniece. What it’s like to write for the internet, perform on stage as a comedian, work on movie sets, and live grandiose-ly in the romanticized New York City. Well, degenerates, you’re all in luck because I’m going to bless you all with a journal of my daily routine. Take a journey into the big apple with your friendly neighborhood Carrie Bradshaw.
5:45 am: I believe that your morning ritual will set you up for the rest of the day. Starting the day right will result in a successful and productive afternoon. I start all my fabulous mornings the same. First, I am rudely awoken by the sound of pigeons mating outside my window on top of my dormant air-conditioning unit. Then I slip back into my slumbers.
6:00 am: The first of many ignored alarms will sound starting now. I will ignore all twelve of these alarms until [hopefully] 7:30, by that time I will only have 30 minutes to get ready for work. That’s if I’m lucky, sometimes I will wake up at 7:50.
7:50 am: I wasn’t lucky so now I have ten minutes, but my hair takes 30 so I guess I’m calling out of work today.
12:00 pm: Now that I’m refreshed from a good night/early morning rest, I am ready to start the day. Carpe diem bitch, is what I and nobody else says because I’m brilliant. First things first, I check my bank account to see all the money I don’t have because I continue to call out of work on a weekly basis. Then I indulge a hardy and healthy meal of fresh honey nut cheerios. Straight from the box. After that, I always engage in physical activity. I do two lunges and then jog to the bathroom to shit. I will then proceed to watch Sex and the City for two hours.
2:00 pm: I love social media, it’s a great way for me to really connect with my fans. Today I posted a photo of me on the beach in Mexico. The photo was taken two years ago but they don’t need to know that.
2:27 pm: Midday is around the time I sit in my room and cry.
2:48 pm: I like to stare out the window and imagine myself on the sidewalk, living life, meeting people, just being a human.
2:55 pm: Time to reassure my mother I’m doing well.
3:00 pm: I love to write. It’s my passion and I love to be able to publicly post my words. This is the chance I get to have full control of everything. Writing is cathartic and powerful and I really take this time to shape minds. I’m very intuitive. I have so much to say. My creative process goes like this. First, I open up a fresh document, adjust the font, size, spacing, and then I stare at this blank white page for a solid 45 minutes hoping something will come to me.
3:45 pm: So nothing has come to me, I’m just going to read other essays to get inspiration.
7:00 pm: This is the time of day I usually awaken from my 3 hour nap, I spent a solid 15 minutes reading and decided to give my creative juices a rest by sleeping it off.
7:30 pm: It’s time to get ready for a night out in Manhattan with my best bitches. I love going out with my girls and taking in all that the city has to offer. Not many people have the opportunities that I do. To live in the most culturally vibrant city on Earth is an honor and something not to take for granted. This is a great chance for me to let loose and really destress after long day of work.
9:00 pm: All done getting ready for a night on the town. My hair is flawless, my skin is glowing, and my outfit screams bourgeois. My heels are so high, I’m touching the sky. Time to head out, can’t wait to hit up my favorite bar and order hella cosmos. It’s what Carrie would have wanted.
9:06 pm: So I took one step out of my apartment, twisted my ankle, and decided I wasn’t feeling it. Gonna sit this one out, I’ll probably just get food at the bodega around the corner. I’ve got wine in a box so I think I’m set.