8 Simple Ways To Not Fuck Up Valentine’s Day: A Guide For Males

couple holding hands
Jenna Jacobs

To avoid further disappointment in my already below average relationship, I provided my then boyfriend with a literal instruction guide on exactly what I wanted for Valentine’s Day so that there was no way he could get it wrong.

In that guide, I gave him a list of my favorite flowers, favorite candy, and favorite restaurants, that way he could choose one item from each list so that I was at least a little surprised.

Well, miraculously, my medium boyfriend couldn’t even get that right. Somehow, he was unable to not fuck up Valentine’s Day despite the fact that I told him everything that I would like to happen. I asked him not to disappoint and it seems he went to great measures to intentionally do just that. And then questioned why I was so upset with him, totally unaware that not only did he not follow my instructions, but he also did absolutely nothing for me in regards to Valentine’s Day.

It’s like giving a student the answers to the quiz, and somehow, they still fail. Not even the guidance of Jesus could show them the way.

I spent my Valentine’s Day in tears, as I spent all the other holidays, I’m not sure why I expected any less.

But that doesn’t mean that this has to be every woman this Valentine’s Day. I want to do the female population a favor by guiding their clueless significant other. If he’s a male, he’s probably dumb.

Alright men, with this guide, I’m going to tell you exactly how to please your woman on Valentine’s Day.

ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS!!!!!!!! She will tell you. Stop playing guessing games because you’ll end up fucking up. If she doesn’t want to tell you then keep reading. As an added note, if she tells you she doesn’t want anything, GET HER SOMETHING!!!!!

Spend a little extra. I know there’s this adage that it’s not the gift, it’s the thought. Honestly, I see that as a poor excuse. Of course, you should put the thought into the gift but that shouldn’t negate quality. A good gift, an actually good gift, requires both thought and expense. It really shows how much you care.

SEX IS NOT A GIFT. Sex is not a gift. Sex is not a gift. Sex is not a gift!!!!! She can have sex with you whenever she wants so don’t think that you’re doing her any favors by “gifting” her with intercourse. That’s lazy and self-motivated.

Take her someplace special. Don’t take her to that sandwich shop you go to every other week. Or that pizza place you guys like to go to in the middle of the night. It’s not special, it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Shake things up. Give her the chance to dress up for once, so she can finally wear that dress she’s been saving, so she can do her makeup, so she can feel beautiful. Once again, you can’t be cheap. Also, if you do end up going someplace fancy, MAKE RESERVATIONS!!! Plan ahead for this.

If she likes flowers, get her flowers. Enough said.

Prioritize her. For the love of god, please don’t make any other plans that divert away from the two of you. Make plans another day, keep this day open for her.

Chivalry. It is most certainly not dead and for the most part, being chivalrous is just being polite and proper and not acting like an ass. It’s easy and trust me, it’s a turn on.

The most important tip.

Don’t let this be the only time you show her you care. You should be putting this sort of effort every single day. You should always make her happy, you should always call her beautiful, you should always treat her, you should always show your love. Don’t let this be the only day that happens.

I don’t want you, gentlemen, to think that you have to be the ones putting in all the effort on Valentine’s Day because that is not the case. The ladies should be putting in the exact same amount of effort. Successful relationships require an equal amount of effort from both parties. One should not be trying harder than the other. So, for the ladies out there reading this, nodding their heads in total agreement thinking how he better do all of the above, I expect the same from you. It’s all about knowing your partner, that’s all it takes. Let this day be a reminder of why you love each other in the first place. Happy Valentine’s Day. TC mark

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