Are you really bad at reading the signs?
Are you insecure and unsure of yourself?
Are you too shy to let that someone know how you actually feel?
Does the idea of someone liking you and you possibly liking them back horrify you?
Are you seeking closure despite the fear of rejection and just want answers?

If you have answered yes to any of the questions above, then you are someone who can benefit from this essay. So to all you poor saps out there, just trying for a fighting chance at some sort of happiness, I’m going to give you 12 ways to passively tell someone that you may or may not like them.

1. Stalk Their Social Media. According to my logic, if you stalk them hard enough, then you’ll somehow gain their attention. Yes, learn everything there is to learn about them. Their likes, dislikes, who their friends are, their family members are. Really get to know them. Start connecting with this person on a whole new level. Thanks to technology, we don’t need to actually meet people to feel like we know them. It’s truly beautiful.

2. Visualize Scenarios that Would Never Actually Occur. Do you ever fantasize about cute little romantic moments between and the person you may or may not like? Moments that most certainly would never happen within the confines of our reality? We’ve all been there. So, do this as much as you can, to the point where you begin to make yourself feel miserable because you realize that there is no way this could ever actually happen. Really visualize every specific detail. What you’re both wearing, the weather (maybe it’s dramatically raining), the context of the scenario (that’s very important in making it as real as possible), and the background song playing. That’s also very important. My go to is always “Telephone Line” by ELO. What if these scenarios actually occur? You need to be ready for it.

3. Deny Your Possible Affections When Friends Ask. Why, you ask, would you lie to your friends about your feelings? You want to make sure that no one, not even yourself, suspects a thing. Make sure that no one is on your trail. Because you’ve worked out in your twisted little head that the person that you may or may not like is going to understand that you’re spreading lies and that you actually have feelings for them. They are going to act on this understanding of your true intentions and make a move. Works every time.

4. Don’t Flirt or Give Any Sort of Indication That You Are Interested When Talking to Them. You don’t want this person to think that you’re trying too hard, so act casual. Act like you. That usually works, I think. Talk to them the way you would to any other friend. Talk about the large shit you just took. Or perhaps discuss the deeper philosophical meanings of Cumulonimbus.

5. Become Very Intoxicated and Let Your True Feelings Come Out in a Less Than Eloquent Address. Ah yes. As the wine goes down, the truth comes out. Jesus wouldn’t have turned water into wine if it wasn’t meant to help you make a move.

6. Play Extremely Hard to Get. Take forever to respond to text messages, ignore them when you see them in public, show no sort of interest whatsoever. They’ll love the chase.

7. If They Ask About Your Feelings, Admit Nothing. I typically go with an awkward laugh and search for any way I can to avoid this sort of confrontation.

8. Post Things To Social Media Thinking it Will Peak Their Interest. Since I’ve stalked them closer than the CIA ever could, I have all the information I need to post things that will interest them.

9. Memorize Their Schedule. Then when you “accidentally” run into them, you can pretend like it was all a marvelous coincidence that was never predetermined in any way. Funny how you keep bumping into one another right in front of the men’s restroom. Small world I suppose… or fate perhaps?

10. Give Aggressively Dirty Looks. Do this when it seems that too much of their attention is going to someone else that isn’t you. What’s that about? That should cease immediately.

11. Lead This Poor Guy On Without Having Come to Terms With Your Own Emotions. It’s what you do best. **Wink**

12. Wait Until It’s Too Late. Continue playing these mind games until they either get sick of your ambiguity or until they leave to go elsewhere. And when they’ve found someone better who doesn’t beat around the bush, convince yourself that he misses you.

Good luck, I hope you found these tips useful.

Take it from me, a pro at fucking things up.