Season’s greetings guy with girlfriend whom I am very very very VERY interested in. You might remember me vaguely. I’m the one who accidentally double tapped on an Instagram photo you posted two years ago.
Also, we did happen to make eye contact in the elevator one time. Well correction, I might have been uncomfortably staring at you the entire ride and then at some point you gave me a weird side glance. Sorry. Sometimes, I don’t notice things like staring at people who don’t know me but I know them because of social media. It’s just one of my adorable quirks that you could get to know if you weren’t with that girl Kelly. How do I know her name is Kelly? Well it has nothing to do with me stalking your Instagram that’s for sure.
How is the family by the way. Your parents, Amy and Dave. How are they? We never met but I saw that they tagged you in that family reunion photo on Facebook. Wow! You really resemble your Uncle Jerry more than your dad. Just something I happened to notice.
Any who… What even is, a long term relationship, am I right? Sure, you’ve been with Kelly for like, what… seven years? But that’s nothing. Obama was President for eight years and it felt like the man was barely there. It’s not like, you’re emotionally and mentally and spiritually and physically in sync with her, right? Like if she broke up with you tomorrow, on a scale of 1 – Casablanca how heart broken would you be? Would you say a solid Regina George in Mean Girls? She handled that break up with Aaron pretty well. Not at all as bad as Rick dumping Ilsa in Casablanca, though.
And even if you were a little torn up about hypothetically leaving Kelly, I would be such a great rebound. I have so much to offer. I’m funny. I’m cute. Admittedly not as cute as Kelly but, my personality and okay looks combined make me a solid 8. We should probably only see each other on a good face/hair day for me. My hair is pretty unpredictable so I don’t want people to think that your rebound can’t do her hair. Also, I can be pretty unsightly in the face depending on what time of the month it is. So yeah, let’s agree to only see each other when I’m at my best.
Does Kelly ever have a bad hair day? I mean, I don’t wanna talk about your current “situation” but I was just wondering. Or do you like accept her flaws and all? Is it that sort of arrangement? What does she have that I don’t? Just curious. Like, just… You know… Why am I not good enough?
The other day we were waiting in line for the vending machine and you complimented my pocket square. Which was nice cause I really felt a spark between us. Did you? I hope you don’t think I’m not straight or anything, I just happened to be wearing very masculine clothes that day.
I’m unique you know. I’m not like the other girls. I like rock, The Beatles are my favorite. I have a Godfather tattoo. It’s my favorite movie. I’ll admit, it’s pretty minuscule tattoo. It took twenty minutes in total to get it done. It was definitely the most painful experience of my life. It was a pathetic display of willpower, I must say. But that’s just one of my cute quirks that you’ll come to love, you know? I love retro things. I’m not with the times. I’m this refreshing blast from the past. I’m just a quirky, not like the other kinda girl thing going on over here.
So how are things with Kelly? She treating you well? Do you guys ever get into arguments? Like those really bad ones where you both start to attack your deepest insecurities and use that as fuel to the fire? Those kind of arguments? Just saying, I would never strategically use your insecurities against you. I have plenty of insecurities myself. Like whenever I see you, I start to tell myself that I look like a troll. I can’t help it, it’s just one of my cute little quirks that you could come to love about me if you just gave me a chance.
I swear I don’t go home and picture our life together as I cry uncontrollably to the ending of The Titanic. I bet Kelly, wouldn’t have made room for you on that floating piece of driftwood after The Titanic sank. I would’ve made room for you though. Don’t worry, I won’t ever let you go… Jack.
But seriously, why are you still with her? You’re young, you’re… some other things. We would have such an amazing time together. We can go on fun adventures, we can see movies together, we can cuddle, we can paint stuff I guess. I don’t know. Whatever you’re down to do. If you’re into painting shit we can do that.
So uh. Merry Christmas. Love me. Please. Tell Kelly I said hello. Aha, I’m lying tell Kelly to go fuck herself. Totally kidding. God, I love her. You guys are so cute together but we’d definitely be cuter… Just saying.
**Cries whilst singing to Mariah Carey’s All I Want for Christmas is You**