10 Irrational Questions You Only Have When You’re On A Dating App

jess from new girl making a face
New Girl

After a recent revelation, I realized that it was time for me to really take control over my love life and stop expecting love to just find me. Because in life, no sort of success or fulfillment hits you, you have to work for it. Love is no exception. With that said, I decided to join Bumble.

The idea of finding companionship via technology burns my soul. I always held the notion that true romance finds you and that using technology wasn’t real. But since love has yet to find me sitting at a random coffee shop in downtown Manhattan, I turned to instant gratification and created my Bumble account. Thus the way of a millennial.

However, this is why joining Bumble was a mistake on my part.

I can’t help but wonder the following…

1. Am I overthinking too much? 

I hope I’m not the only girl who will look at a guy’s picture, find him extremely attractive, then gauge whether or not I’m in his league. I’ve swiped left on a lot of good looking guys because of this. I’m just being realistic here. This is pretty good for someone who used to think that something like The Notebook could realistically happen to them. Right now I’ve set my aims on a You’ve Got Mail type situation. But since I won’t swipe right for unattractive guys, and I won’t swipe right for overly attractive guys, there is a very small gray area that I have to work with.

2. Should I message this person?

It’s a horrible thing when there’s a match between me and another guy. I know this is the purpose of Bumble, but for me it’s a dilemma. In my head takes place this entire internal battle between messaging him and not messaging him. On Bumble, the girl has to make the first move and I do not like that. I do not like that at all. And, to make matters worse, I only have twenty four hours to make the first move. Now, I can’t even procrastinate and take two weeks to formulate some type of witty first message.

3. What do I say?

How does one even initiate a spontaneous conversation with a total random off the internet? Perhaps “Hey” or maybe even “I tried to look past your physicality and imagine who you are as a person, which is why I swiped right. What say you?”

4. Is this morally okay?

As I’m swiping through each potential partner, I can’t help but wonder if this is wrong, or shallow in a sense. I’m just sitting here, basing whether or not I want to associate with these people based off of what they look like. Is this breaking some type of moral code? What if they have a really good sense of humor? What if they share the same love of cinema as I? What if we mutually hate exercise? Questions that cannot be answered simply by looking at a few crappy pictures.

5. Why are these guys incapable of choosing flattering photos?

Speaking of crappy pictures. Why do some guys feel the need to post the following photos.

-Photos where their face isn’t included

-Group photos (I’m not sure who I’m swiping for.)

-Photos with other really attractive girls. (Is this your girlfriend? Are you taken? What are you trying to do here? I’m thoroughly confused.)

-Photos with their shirts off. (I get it, you wanna look good but for God’s sake, there is such a thing as trying too hard)

-Blatantly unflattering photos. (Because exposing all your chins at a low angle is always attractive)

What is this behoovery?

6. Did he swipe right because he thinks I’m pretty or is this a joke?

I also have this irrational fear that some of my matches might be playing some type of joke where they swipe right on all the gray area girls (not too pretty, not too ugly) just for kicks.

7. What if he’s a psychopath? 

This is a legitimate concern.

8. Is it wrong to message multiple guys at once?

I also don’t like the idea of messaging multiple matches at the same time. It seems unfaithful. Like the relationship is already doomed from the start. If I’m going to make a relationship work, I need to be faithful at its conception. I will focus on one match and one match only and I expect the same on the other end. Am I not good enough or something? All attention on me, you will not message some other chick, humoring her poor taste in cinema. Odds are, those other girls wouldn’t know good cinema if it messaged them on Bumble.

9. What if my pictures are too attractive?

A fair question to ask. What if the photos on my profile are too flattering and don’t represent who I am in person. I won’t always stumble upon good lighting and he might find out that I’m actually ugly in real life.

10. What will our future together look like?

I think the worst part of the experience is when I match with someone who I might actually be interested in. Then what happens is I start to build our life together in my head. I imagine our first date, we hit it off, sparks fly, then our first kiss, then we fall madly in love, then I imagine us moving in together, watching Woody Allen movies together, then we’re pregnant, and married, and we’re old, and we’re dead, and oh look he didn’t respond to my message. TC mark

Valaniece Christina

Funny girl, writer, & clueless.

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