It alway starts the exact same way, in my head of course.
You make a surprise visit to my doorstep and I’m crying and freaking about the futility of our love, and other equally cynical and hopeless commentaries on love in general. I’m trying desperately to articulate the words and intangible emotions swirling around my head, but all that comes out is this manic gibberish.
Yet, somehow, you know exactly what I’m trying to say. Because you understand me, you understand me like no other. And as I’m drowning in tears and the frustration of never really being able to say what I want to say, you grab me and pull me into your arms. Of course I fight it a little at first however, this is just for show. I’ve wanted you to do this the entire time but I can’t let you know that. You pull me in close and whisper through my sobs. “I know, I know.” And slowly, but surely, the pain begins to drift. Whatever pain I was feeling floats away and I am once again reminded that I am not alone in this world. That in this moment, in our moment of embrace, I am not alone. I say back to myself that I hope this moment never ends. That the pain never ebbs into my heart again.
That I feel your embrace and reassurance forever.
But this, as I said in the beginning, is a fantasy.
A scenario that would never occur in the real world. We visualize these dreams in our head, and sometimes they feel so real, that we truly believe it can happen. It could happen. It will happen. But when? When are you really going to show up on my doorstep at 2am? Will it be Christmastime? Will the night be painted in the colored lights of holiday decorations? Will the tears from my eyes freeze on my face from the cold? Do these scenarios actually exist? Or is it a thing of cinema?
I’m not sure, but I do know that at night, as I’m drifting off into sleep, I will think of this moment. In the long car rides home, I will imagine this. In my head, it will become so real, that part of me will believe it’s a memory that I wish I could relive. And no matter the turmoil we face in reality, we will always be one in my mind. And we will always be stuck in that moment.
That moment where we are but one, where the pain never ebbs into my heart again.