What Kind Of Bitch You Are, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Timothy Paul Smith

Aries: The Bitch You Didn’t Ask For

Aries is that bitch you didn’t want around, but somehow manifests her way into your life every single damn time. And then when she’s there all she does is annoy the shit out of you and everyone within the vicinity of the area. “Why are we doing this?”, “When are we leaving”, “I wanna do something else”, “I’m bored”. Yeah well, no one invited you. This bitch is also really loud and extra for no good reason. Say you’re having a casual evening, reading, this bitch will come out of no where and start shouting about American Horror Story like you give a shit.

Taurus: The Flaky Bitch

This bitch is lazy as shit. You can’t make any plans because she’s flaky as hell. All she cares about is material items and and staying at home. Her life consists of buying black leggings and participating in Netflix and chill with her dildo, then she fabricate shitty excuses to cancel plans. “Sorry I have a dentist appointment at 7”, “Oh no, I have to go to a wedding tonight.”, “Whoops, I forgot my dog is dying at 2”. Don’t make plans with her because you’ll get all dressed up just so this lazy bitch text some lame excuse and then she gets sensitive when you call her out on her bullshit.

Gemini: The Slutty Bitch

Fuck this bitch. She’s the type of bitch where she’ll bug the shit out of you to find out who you have a crush on and she’ll swear she won’t tell anyone, then the second you tell her, this bitch will go and flirt with him. Then when you get mad at her for flirting with the guy you like, her stupid ass won’t understand why you’re mad. She thinks she’s hot shit when really she’s an ugly whore. Then she tries to make it up to you by sleeping with your ex.

Cancer: The Moody Bitch

This bitch has self diagnosed her self with anxiety and depression as an excuse to annoy the shit out of you. She won’t leave you alone, she’s perpetually on her period, and she gets triggered if you misuse you use the word panty. She’s a cancer because she’s cancer to your life. Then when you try to invite her out, she doesn’t go because she hates being around groups of two or more. It’s a mistake to be alone with her because all she does is complain about how a hot dog emotionally raped her for looking like a penis.

Leo: The Pretentious Artsy Hipster Bitch

This bitch refuses to wear anything other than thrift shop clothes. If it doesn’t smell like World War I, she won’t touch it. She owns a fucking 35mm camera and has no idea how the damn thing works. Her lipstick never matches her fucking outfit and its annoying as shit. She has more nip slips than she does have hairs on her under arms (And she’s hella hairy because she thinks shaving is systematic oppression of women). Literally, she will take any opportunity she can to take her top off because she’s “making a point”. She’ll judge the living hell out of anyone who disagrees with her but then gets mad when you judge her.

Virgo: The Buzzkill Bitch

This bitch goes out of her way to ruin the fun. She’s like the second mother you never asked for. If you want to go lingerie shopping at Victoria Secret, a virgo will wait outside of the store because it’s to inappropriate to go shopping for sexy underwear. This bitch is a grown as women who covers her eyes during the sex scenes of a movie. If you partake in the consumption of alcohol, this bitch will roofie your drink herself because she thinks she’s helping you learn a lesson.

Libra: The Nice Bitch

This bitch is too quick to say yes. She’ll say yes to anyone despite wanting to say no. This is a pain in the ass when you’re at Applebees with her and you want to share a two for ten. She won’t tell you what she wants and whenever you make a selection on what food you two should share, you can tell in her face she doesn’t like it but she won’t admit it. Now you’re stuck feeling like a dick because she doesn’t touch the food she half paid for. Then you can’t finish your meal because you don’t want to look greedy. And when you ask her if she’s sure with what food to order, she’ll never admit that she wasn’t actually okay with it.

Scorpio: The Obsessive Bitch

You can’t take a shit without this bitches nose being up your ass. She’s always accusing you of cheating even though you two are damn well not a fucking couple, you’re just two friends. She doesn’t tell you if something is wrong because she expects everyone else to read her fucking mind. I can’t read shit. This bitch loves to argue about everything. I could say that the goddamn sky is blue and she’ll appear out of the ground and say “Actually that’s wrong, the sky is really a shade of light teal with a hint of I hate myself”.

Sagittarius: The Kylie Jenner Wannabe Bitch

This bitch cakes her make up so goddamn much, you could light birthday candles on her face and make a wish; your wish is for her to exit your life. She spends all her money on Sephora and can’t figure out why she’s so broke. She’s that pasty mother fucker who owns fifty shades of bronzer for unknown reasons. This bitch has apparently evolved beyond selfies, instead she just posts videos of herself eye fucking the camera to social media.

Capricorn: The Basic Bitch

This bitch shits Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes. Don’t go out to eat with this one because she won’t let you touch your food until she’s taken 40 fucking pictures at differing angles like this bitch has never seen a Chipotle bowl in her life. She only drinks out of mason jars. As a matter of fact her house is a goddamn mason jar, she got the idea off of Pinterest. Her first word was ‘aesthetic’. She buys books for the soul purpose of taking pictures of herself pretending to read them so she can post these photos to her Instagram. Immediately after she burns all of her books. The fact of her limited literacy secretly horrifies her. Her knowledge of literature only goes far enough so that she can caption her photos with corny poem verses.

Aquarius: The Self-Centered Bitch

This little bitch saw “La La Land” in theaters and immediately after convinced herself that that movie relates to her and only her and nobody else understands it the way she does. With that said, her dumbass dropped out of high school to become an actress only to find out that she sucks ass at acting. She calls herself a dreamer but then does absolutely nothing to achieve said dreams:

“I’m a writer.”

“What have you written?”

“Well I haven’t actually written anything yet.”

That’s this bitch.

Pisces: The Dumb Bitch

All of these bitches are blonde. That is a fact. And if they aren’t blonde, they might as well do the world a favor and die their hair blonde so we can identify them easier. These are those unbelievably dumb mother fuckers. A breed of their own. This bitch will say such dumb shit that you become speechless. You are so behooved by her stupidity that you are actually at a loss of words. There is no way to argue or reason with this bitch because she is so dumb and so immune to logic, that not only will she never get it, but you yourself will find that you are getting dumber by the second by humoring her profoundly stupid ways. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Funny girl, writer, & clueless.

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