To The Boy I Could Not Save

 Brooke Cagle
Brooke Cagle

Hey, stranger!

Its been a long time which I’m sure you’re aware of. I wish I knew how you were doing, or I wish I could ask you how you’re doing, but we both know I can’t. Before I really knew you, I had heard a lot about you from people, a lot of which I believed. I remember it was New Years night, a couple of years ago, when we properly spoke, and I realized that most of what I had heard about you was not true. As time passed by, I learned more about you, and eventually got attached to you. I realized you were not the asshole everyone painted you out to be. I hated to see what you had done to your life, and I wanted to help you fix it.

I want to thank you. Thank you for playing a major role in my life. A lot of what I am, I owe to you. You made me more confident in being myself and helped me finds parts of myself I didn’t know existed. After meeting you, there was a hundred and eighty degree turn in my personality, and I swear I wouldn’t have it any other way. So, I know you’re never going to read this or even know about this, but I hope you know that I’m privileged to have met someone like you.

I want to tell you, that there are times I miss you. Sometimes months go by where I don’t think of you, and then all of a sudden I’ll get a little nostalgic, and remember you.

I can bet you know, those rare moments take place in the middle of the night, because that was when most of our conversations took place. There’s something about this time of the night, that makes us feel closer to people, helps us admit things we never would in broad daylight.

I want to tell you, that I don’t know what we were. I don’t know if I should call you an acquaintance, a long lost friend, something more than a friend.. I really don’t know. I spent a year of my life thinking I loved you, but then I met the love of my life, and suddenly the meaning of the word love changed.

Maybe if he were still with me, I wouldn’t think of you even if it rarely ever happens. I know I was attached to you for sure, and I know I tried everything in my power to be able to save you from what you were doing to yourself. Sometimes when I ask mutual friends about you, they’ll tell me to get over you. They always assume I still love you, or did. Maybe I did, maybe we love people differently. I’ll never really know.

I’m glad I won’t because I don’t ever want to resent you. You were an important part of my life, and our bittersweet memories, are a reminder of how far I’ve come as a person and how much of it I owe it to you. I really do wish I could’ve helped you the way you managed to help me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t save you, and I forgive myself for it.

You’re with her now, I hope you’re happy. I hope she treats you well. I hope she makes you her whole world, because the best is what you deserve. I wish you nothing short of happiness. Last but not least, I hope at least she manages to save you. TC mark

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