An Open Letter To Beyoncé

Hey gurl,

Let me start by congratulating you on your fourth album, appropriately named 4.  Genius.  Even though it leaked three weeks early, it has already been well received by your fans and pop music aficionados alike and will no doubt top the charts when it officially drops on June 28th.

That being said, we need to talk.

I’m a huge fan, let me get that out there.  You’re perfection, you’re a powerhouse, an icon, a diva, a queen, etc. etc.  I’ve been on Team Beyoncé since you lost your shit and kicked those bitches out of Destiny’s Child and forced America to just go with it.  I remember shaking my ass to “Bootylicious” at age 12 and worshipping you.  And not much has changed.  I know the entire “Single Ladies” routine and do it at EVERY available opportunity, none of them being even remotely appropriate.

But listen, there’s been something that’s been bothering me since your first solo effort Dangerously In Love. You have this habit of having about four hot tracks on your album and then filling the rest of it with filler songs and sleepers.  Upon hearing your first album, I thought this mistake may have been a fluke.  I gave you the benefit of the doubt that perhaps you were still figuring the whole “solo” thing out.  Learning what it means to stand on your own two feet as a solo artist.  And all your singles went number one!  Dangerously In Love?  Fire.  “Baby Boy feat. Sean Paul”?  Fire.  (Sean Paul LOL where IS he?)  The album was a huge success though, going on to sell over 11 million copies worldwide.  But I still couldn’t ignore the fact that the album, as a whole, was a bust.

Then there was B’Day.  “Yay!” I thought to myself.  “This is Queen B’s chance to redeem herself!”  The lead single, “Déjà Vu” was insanely promising, and the album’s release was the only thing that kept me focused through the boozy haze that was the beginning of my freshmen year of college.  I saved every bit of loose change I had in order to ensure I could get my hands on the album the day it came out.  When I finally did, I was heartbroken to learn that you had done it again.  The album had a couple of bangers, but otherwise was a mediocre R&B record at best.

By the time I Am… Sasha Fierce was released, you had cemented your status as a worldwide pop icon that was here to stay, whether we liked it or not.  And with that you almost had us fooled.  “Single Ladies.”  “Diva.”  “Ego” feat. Kanye West.  Video Phone feat. Lady Gaga.  We couldn’t get away from those songs and we didn’t want to.  And need I even mention the cultural phenomenon that was the “Single Ladies” video?  You were killing it, girl.  But the rest of the album?  It was flaccid.  It put me to sleep.

That’s why when I got the news that your album had leaked on Tuesday, I was less than excited.  With a lackluster first single, a bomb of an American Idol performance, and a last minute swap of the second single from “1+1” to “Best Thing I Never Had”, I saw another flop coming from a mile away.  “Run The World (Girls)” is decent, don’t get me wrong, but a female empowerment song from you is a little redundant because EVERY song you do is a female empowerment song.  You are female empowerment embodied so we don’t really need that kind of material from you, it isn’t that groundbreaking.  Plus, the video looked like a cross between a Balenciaga runway show and Lilith Fair.

4, I’m sorry and yet unsurprised to say, that this is your worst album to date.  It starts off with a ballad.  Who starts an album off with a ballad?  Who does that?  And is followed by no less than FIVE MORE BALLADS.  WHAT IS THIS?!?  My jaw was on the ground the first time I listened to it.  I just couldn’t believe you structured the album in the manner you had.  In all twelve songs, there are only four that can be considered proper pop tracks.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re great.  I’m OBSESSED with “Love On Top”, it’s my summer jam, my reason for living.  But other than that, the track list just seems like all of the songs that weren’t good enough to make your previous albums.

What I’m trying to say is that, though you are one of the best artists in the world, you are incapable of putting out a good album.  Even tragic hot messes like Katy Perry and Ke$ha (I know, forgive me) are better at putting out albums than you are.  I’m not saying their albums are better, my god, no.  I’m saying that their albums make more sense as a package and are more in line with the direction they are going as “artists.”

I’m always going to be on Team B.  But that being said, you have no excuse not to put an album out that consists of nothing but pop masterpieces from beginning to end.  You’ve got it in you, I know that you do.  So I’m asking you, as a fan, as a friend, put on that Freakum Dress and prove me wrong.  Make me eat my words while standing on my face in stiletto heels.  Show us the reason that you’re on a first name basis with pop culture.  There are so many ways that I could describe you, but all I need is one word: Beyoncé. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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