I always feel sad at first. I go licking the wounds my ego took when someone doesn’t want to make plans with me anymore. Or they quit texting back. I can’t help but think of all the work I do, the manifestation that has helped me in most aspects of my life — except for this. I put the good energy out, in hopes of it to return. I yell up at the sky, shaking my fists.
“Universe show me a man with a heart as big as the ocean.”
And she will give me men, with auras of a sunset sky. And I usually connect quick. Maybe it’s my willingness to love. Or my faith in shared laughter. I like to pull the best parts of a person out of their third eye and dance with them.
So I go, and I paint their colors in my room. And we lay tipsy on the hardwood floor, taking small sips of red wine. Pressing our palms together, until we feel each other’s heart race in our own wrists.
We spend the night together, exchanging stories under cotton sheets. Only breaking eye contact for iced-coffee and condom runs.
But the brightness of it always fades. The paint begins to chip, and all I’m left with is empty spaces, and an unkempt bed, with water rings that stain my night stand.
And these men she provided for me, they stop being funny. Their once sweet smile seems sinister and their hands begin to look small. Then they start to forget dates and don’t honor your time. Because theirs means more to them than yours ever will.
And showing up is only for real men.
But they didn’t see you anyway. I mean really see you. And people will say you shared your bed too soon, that physical connection should be suppressed until date five. As if sex is the only thing you have to offer, as if it’s the best thing.
“Why would they buy the cow, if they can get the milk for free?”
Fuck your milk and your cow. I’m a woman. And I’m sexual and strong, while still being soft and intelligent. But these partners who don’t respect us make us feel less than.
And you’ll begin to wonder;
Am I enough?
Am I too much?
What do I fix?
You realize fate is testing you, on these things the partner designed for you will already know;
That you are enough.
You can never be too much.
Your beauty is embedded in the cracks.
And when you finally meet him, his hands will be able to hold a woman like you. Because his heart beat is in sync with the crashing waves. He won’t dismiss your showing up as a character flaw, or your willingness to love as a liability. Because he will have already been waiting for you, with an embrace as big as the sea.
Rejection makes us feel small at the moment because there is something so much bigger for us ahead. So be thankful for those that decide you aren’t worth their time. You are meant to take up one another’s space. It teaches us what we expect. What we want out of a life partner.
Dating is hard. And it’s fun and uncomfortable and weird. Take these “failed” moments and cultivate your growth. When we take a step back and choose to learn from these moments, we are making room for the magic that will come exactly when it is supposed to.