I let someone back in. I took a big swig of their honey words, and they burned like acid as they slid down my throat. And yes, it was a mistake, but I am a human woman in my early twenties. Mistake is my middle name. And after I cleaned up the wounds that I allowed to be ripped open again, I realized it is okay. I am okay. There is no reason to beat myself up or drown in a bottle of wine over my relapse. Because there isn’t an exact formula for getting over someone. Or a precise science on how to become the best version of yourself possible. But I am trying.
And it takes trial and error. That’s something we need to understand. We have to stop rejecting ourselves when we fall down. We have to rub the dirt off of our knees and stride on. Because it did hurt after the fact, but at that moment, it felt like what I needed to do at the time. And I realize that if the ditch is flooded and I’m constantly wading in it, the trench foot will set in and then I am fucked. But I have the strength to know when to pull myself out. I did that already. Right when I decided to walk out the door I did myself the biggest favor of my life…. But sometimes we forget our purse. Or our favorite chapstick. And we revisit the ditch. But the beautiful thing is, from experience, we know the ditch is muddy and shitty, and we almost drown in the chaos. And it’s in that moment that we realize the pain that we would endure if we stayed isn’t worth losing a limb over. So we shake it off and we know better next time.
So young girls, forgive yourself. Don’t let what you “should do” and what is “right” make you feel less than. The fact that you are here right now, in this moment, fighting to be your complete self, is enough to celebrate. Revel in the fact you are learning and growing. Do not judge yourself, or others, who fall backward from time to time. The only way to add to our knowledge is from experience.
Yes, I made a mistake. I allowed toxicity back into my life for one night. it hurt, but I don’t regret it. And I don’t hate myself for. I am smarter for it. I am stronger for it. So make mistakes, laugh, cry, love hard, but never regret. Never blame. It will not serve you. Live your truth, whatever that looks like at the moment, and you will grow.