You’re a trailblazer, boldly going where no one has gone before. Like a sweet-talking schoolboy, your charm helps you get away with things that others can’t, like swearing excessively, fornicating in public places, and dumping your significant others via post-it notes. While your enemies snivel at your wild success, they can’t help but acknowledge the quality of your work and its ability to tear out their heart and eat it right in front of them. You know deep down that life is not simple, that it’s not a fairytale with neatly wrapped happy endings; this realization often leaves you feeling cynical or deeply emotional, which becomes reflected in your work. On the downside, your arrogance, fueled by the knowledge that, wow, you’re brilliant, leads you to drunkenly yell “Don’t you know who I am??” at parties to anyone that questions your behavior.
If you had it your way, America would have never revolted against Britain. You think it’s a tragedy that we value coffee and cheeseburgers over tea and biscuits, and you take digs at your home country whenever possible, mouthing off dry humor in the hopes of impressing some nearby Englishman. In public, you champion the value of good journalism and criticize anyone who thinks otherwise; in private, you sit on your toilet reading BuzzFeed articles about introverts and “What Breakfast Looks Like Around the World” for hours at a time. Despite your mature desire to smoke cigars and watch the Manchester United game on your telly, you secretly dream of saving the world with your hyper-intelligence or your magic flying telephone booth.
Every day is Casual Friday for you. If you’re not talking about the latest pop culture scandal or constructing a hammock in your office (out of leaves and straw, Castaway-style), you’re probably rehearsing something with your band or talking about rehearsing something with your band. You say “chill” a lot. Too much, in fact. Your carefree attitude can be frustrating to some during high-stress situations, but others find it endearing and try to emulate your laid-back nature by smoking copious amounts of weed. You pride yourself on being perpetually young and insist that others celebrate the anniversary of your 21st birthday every year. “I’m 21 for the 7th year in a row, man. Life is so chill.”
Can’t repeat the past? Of course you can! Forever trying to get back to your glory days, you cling to people and interests longer than you should and reject new friendships in fear that they won’t be as satisfying or impressive to others. You don’t believe in second chances (you hardly believe in first chances) and will throw away any opportunity that doesn’t immediately contribute to your success. Like a bona fide dragon, you defend your earnings with a ferocity unrivaled by your competitors and boast an ego as big as Simon Cowell’s. (To be clear, that’s not a compliment.)
5. Comedy Central
Growing up as the class clown in school, you spend your days trying to formulate hilarious jokes on Twitter, filling your drafts folder with half-written punchlines and clever hashtags. Your flair for impressions sometimes lands you in hot water but you don’t care, as long as you’re able to make someone smile. An expert in self-deprecating humor, you know how to make the best of a bad situation and laugh at yourself, earning you a reputation for being lighthearted and generally stress free. Sometimes, though, your immaturity can be overwhelming. (There is such a thing as too many fart jokes, no matter how many times you try to deny it.)
You always seem to have a sense of direction, which gives the impression that you have your whole life figured out. Everything you do is saturated with meaning, keeping everyone on edge as they try to decode your behavior. As a person, you’re morally and emotionally flawed, almost to the point of being an anti-hero, but your (usually) good intentions redeem you in the end. You feed on tragedy and will do whatever it takes to mess with people’s emotions, even if that means killing your best friend, sleeping with the enemy, or lying to everyone you know about having the cure to an apocalyptic virus. This mindset was probably the result of reading too many comic books as a child.
7. Discovery Channel
You’re an explorer. You peer inside all the nooks and crannies you can find in hopes of discovering something new and exciting. (Usually, it’s just a worm, but you cling to the idea that someday, you may uncover something more, like a new species or a celebrity in hiding.) Your free spirit prevents you from holding a steady job but honestly, you don’t really mind. Life is about the journey, not the destination, and you fully intend on enjoying your trip to the top of the ladder. When you were younger, you spent a lot of time looking in the mirror, questioning the meaning of existence and how vast the world (not the world wide web) was. Instilling the fear of sharks in your closest friends is one of your favorite hobbies.